I was finally able to offer corn meal to the winds today, the six directions. Thank you to sixhunter who got me those small little cute teacups. I think the winds were quite pleased with the offering.

As usual, I invited them in, and offered them white sage smoke as well, asking for protection, and the creation of boundaries.

Today, it was more to smudge and work with a few crystals. Which was ironic – I am a skeptic when it comes to believing in the power of crystals. Yet, with the knowledge that scientifically, crystals such as clear quartz are used as storage of energy and amplification of those to power say, things like watches, my skepticism diminished slightly. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m absolutely sure crystals work on a spiritual or intangible level, but there is a possibility – after all, a lot of facts now were fantastical conjectures in the past, and only when physical equipment became advanced enough to measure those fantasies that they became ‘facts.’

So…what the hell? I shall pretend. No loss to me, anyway.

I worked with a clear quartz wand and a lapis lazuli (both given by a very dear friend though we don’t speak much), and a citrine piece I bought. Perhaps it was the ‘pretending’ that made them work, but the three crystals worked together to focus my thoughts and intentions into an intensity that was somewhat astounding. Even after the hypnosis session, my whole head throbbed a little, when it has almost-never done so before.

I was actually able to almost feel my power coming out from my skin, and I ‘pretended’ to see through the illusion of time and space, and followed my lines and waves of power to the farthest reaches of the universe. I got a sense of something similar to the exact meeting line of tectonic plates on earth – that they are destroyed somewhere and recreated somewhere else even as they expand.

I was better able, also, to feel that my point of power is in the present, even though part of my consciousness kind of travelled the waves and took peeks at the probable pasts and probable futures.

Kiesh’ra was quite happy that I found the lapis. I think that was the crystal he wanted. No idea why. I told him not to get any weird ideas as well. First time I’ve seen him smile so widely. Um…something is up. *not so subtle hint to him*

Perhaps I shall start working with these three crystals a lot more from now on. At least as a focus of my thoughts, and amplification of them.

I decided to try looking for any coordinate points in the spare room I use for meditation today.

After smudging the room and asking in the six directions, I smudged the clear quartz pendulum and all, and tried working with it. Nada.

Then I tried using two hangers (holding them upside-down by their handles; hangers have copper inside, which is supposedly good for dowsing), but nothing too. Absolutely nothing.

I finally went for my tried and tested method: sitting down and visualizing, asking the six directions to help me. Kiesh’ra came to sit beside me for company as well. =) And I finally got an image that a coordinate line ran through that particular room from south to north (strangely, not north to south).

So I supposed I can work with that.

I had an interesting experience yesterday night which on hindsight, seemed to be regarding the expansion of my consciousness and perceptions. These experiences are infrequent but are definitely not unfamiliar. They’ve been going on for about eight years or so, and while I’d wondered last time what kind of delusional experience I was having, I understand more of what it is now.

What happened last night was that I was at a dimly-lit diner with the guy whom I work for. We usually meet for about three hours or so to work on his stories (I edit for him). Around an hour or so into our work, we took a break and were chatting, when I suddenly felt my mind/brain go fuzzy. As I continued staring at the guy, it was as if the fabric of space around his form was pulled towards me, and everything enlarged as a sort of perspective-alignment; his face seemed to be sucked away, seemed to shrink. Yet, both the space around him and his face also stayed the same dimensions.

It was a very very big struggle to focus my mind enough to work on the editing discussion for the next hour or so. After work, I walked home and felt the dimension I’m in being very insubstantial. My mind wasn’t in my head. It took effort to function in this world.

I passed by a small park on my way home and saw a black cat lounging on the ground. At the first glance of it, I jumped and then stared hard at it for a few minutes. In my head, I was asking myself what a monster like that was doing in our world. Again, on hindsight, it was perhaps the ‘wrong’ question to ask (even though it was perfectly legitimate at that time). I understand that my consciousness had expanded to include other dimensions, and that the cat in other dimensions was a ‘monster.’ Because my mind wasn’t focused on our three-dimensional world anymore, I felt as if the ‘monster’ had intruded into ‘my’ world, when in fact, I’d expanded to be conscious of other dimensions where the cat was in fact also a monster.

I’ve had some other experiences like this one, but dealing with spatial dimensions and stuff.

I wonder how I can use this expansion of consciousness to my advantage…

In truth, I don’t know how to start this post. And I don’t quite know how to write this post since everything seems to be jumbled up quite badly.

I shall try my best to make some coherence from it.

—–

I smudged the room and created my boundaries with a cedar and white sage smudge (I think I much prefer pure white sage), thanked Father Sky and Mother Earth for coming in to take care of me, smudged myself, and sat down with my drumming music. My intention today was to speak with Blue, my soul fragment who is a large part of my pain.

She was at first cocky and all that. But I simply spoke with her very honestly, saying that I’m sorry I never took care of her, and I can’t remember what else. But I did tell her that I’d appreciate if she would come back to me for integration, so that I can try my best to take care of her and acknowledge her, and hopefully she’s able to take care of me as well.

After some time, her fake cockiness vanished, and she nodded and got up to walk towards me. As she did, the countenance of her face was somehow taken over by a demon’s visage. Now, I’m not terribly scared of demons, because not all of them are bad (one of my soulbonds is a demon in human visage and he has told me and showed me about it, but I still love him as my brother). But this one didn’t feel good, so I used conscious intent to rip it from Blue and send it back to its orginator, whom, for some not so strange reason, was the Hellspawn.

I asked Kiesh’ra to take care of it, and to please send the Hellspawn on its way, that I’d give him something valuable as thanks once I’m done with my stuff. The latter wasn’t happy about it (not hostile at all, but not happy), but I created my boundaries more firmly and asked Father Sky and Mother Earth to help me with my boundaries, and to take care of me, their child. I turned my attention back to Blue, and still saw a fuzzy demonic visage on her face. She told me sternly that I needed to focus, so I intent-ed that I’d have clear vision to see things in their true forms, and that demonic visage vanished, leaving a much younger Blue/me. It was as if pain had aged her by a lot, and by acknowledging her and in a sense taking away her pain, she became more innocent, younger.

She stepped into me, and I consciously integrated her. I felt Kiesh’ra’s hands all over me, helping me firm and pat down the energy tendrils I was giving out, helping me with the integration. Once that was done, I smiled at him and got up to hug him as a thank you. I’m pretty short, even as a spiritual form, and the top of my head come only to his stomach area. I pressed my left cheek against his stomach, and was horrified to feel my cheek getting “engulfed” by that area. I thought great, another demon or thing I don’t want around me, and pulled back only to realize that it was a wound – a sword slash starting from his left rib and ending near his navel.

I glanced up at him and then realized he’d gotten into a swordfight with the Hellspawn and just went oh shit, and batted his hand away and told him I’m going to heal him so he better let me. So I placed both my palms over the wound, consciously intent healing, and sent lights representing various sorts of healing into the wound – pink for gentle knitting of the wound; red for vitality; a light blue for the equivalent of moisture/water his body needed.

After a few minutes, the wound closed up with only a faint scar (okay, my healing ability seems to have activated somewhat, though it’s strange my first act should be in the spiritual realm where I have little to no experience at all), and I hugged him properly this time. I felt my cheek against warm, solid flesh, but also felt fuzzy energy brushing against mine. It was cute.

I told Kiesh’ra I had to settle stuff with the Hellspawn now – it was standing right outside my boundaries. Some sort of small shack appeared – seems to be mine – and though I actually thought of giving some of my energy as thanks to the Hellspawn, Kiesh’ra stopped me, and led me to this small cabinet in the shack. He opened it and inside were some rice cakes. I don’t know why something seemingly-simple is important, but the rice cakes felt very vital. He passed them to me and I took them to my boundaries and stood before the Hellspawn, telling him thank you for his help, but I think I didn’t need his help any longer. I passed the rice cakes to him, but he still stood there.

I walked away again, and suddenly found myself in the armor both he and the Hellspawn had gifted me. Sensing that its use was no longer needed, I started stripping myself of it respectfully, calling forth my energy and Kiesh’ra’s energy to recall them. I handed Kiesh’ra back his golden sash, and asked him to take care of it for me until he wanted to give it to me again and when I was ready. I recalled the golden energy outlining the face opening of my helm, and making sure not one trace of any others’ energies clung to them, returned them to my protector. Then, as I took off each piece of my armor, I recalled my energy and placed them into a small wooden bowl. Each item I took off, the brahminy kite gripped and returned to the Hellspawn. I think Kiesh’ra somehow took care of the black sword the Hellspawn had given me too – I don’t remember what I did with it.

I made sure the kite’s own energies were clear.

I was naked, but in the spiritual world, you come with yourself and you go with yourself. There’s nothing to be ashamed about nakedness of. I might acquire things along the way, but in the end, I am still me, and naked.

Then I hugged the kite and she groomed my hair for a bit and gave me a small bite on my neck and told me never to invite these sort of “people” in again, then she glanced up at Kiesh’ra and made bird-talk which I think was her scolding him and saying he should do his job…I wrapped her in protective energies so that she and her brood would be safe.

After that, I knelt on the ground, and held my palms over the mucky energies. I ordered those that weren’t mine to please collate in my palms, and I brought them to the Hellspawn as well, thanking him for any help he’d given me. I told him that these weren’t the kind of muck or darkness I needed; that the darkness I needed was where I can find my own balance and walk the middle path. He seemed unhappy but still not hostile.

I then ordered Kiesh’ra to go to the small bed or something in the shack and to bloody lay down to rest this time or else I’d make him. From the well beside the shack, I drew up a bucket of clear, pure and healing water, and made him drink it and made him lay down. I sat facing away from the shack to do my hypnosis project, but felt a bit dazed and unable to focus. I suddenly felt hands on my temples, and a sudden gentle energy flowing through my mind, and realized it was Kiesh’ra who was helping me. He did that for a bit and went to lay down, and came back to help a bit more when I needed help again.

When I finally finished my hypnosis about 30 minutes later, I glanced back and saw the Kiesh’ra had fallen asleep. I walked over to stand before him, and asked for clear vision again. Somehow, I still alternated between seeing him with a falcon-head, and with a falcon-helm. I let him sleep, and came back to my body.

Forgot to mention I saw another soul fragment hanging around – anger. I said hello and acknowledged her, and will speak with her soon. I hope nothing goes wrong from that.

Even after the ‘clean slate’ – tabula rasa – we said we’d give each other, we both know that there can never be a true tabula rasa, not as clean as before.

For myself, I felt frequently the tsunamis of old pains and old hurts rising up frequently, whether we’re together or not. I feel frequently the coils of insanity and madness reaching out for me, to take over. I wanted to know why.

I made sure to smudge the room and had read up beforehand on the proper aspects of the unolis, the winds, and as I invited them in, I made sure to give them proper credit this time. Once they took their positions, I asked them to help me hold my boundaries as I smudged my drum and myself. Then I sat down, and drummed. My questions today were: why I still held so much pain and what is the cause of it; why I had so much insanity and revengeful thoughts coming up still.

However, there is still a lot of renovation works going on, and the drilling and shrill noises of all those cut very starkly into my attempt at meditation. So I had to turn once again to my MP3 player and to a drumming track, turning the volume high up until even my ears rattled.

It took me a very long time as compared with usual to settle down. I don’t know why. Even through the high volume of the drumming track, the shrillness of those renovation works just cut in really badly. All I could do was to trust that my boundaries would hold, and my guides would look after me, and just…breathe.

I felt the breath coming and going, slowly…until I fell partway asleep…into that realm where I knew I was kind of awake, but also sleeping. Straddling the twilight, I call it…

For the first time in my entire life (and entire four years of spiritual practice), I started hearing a voice inside my head. It was jumbled up and I couldn’t make out discernable words. I was startled and scared, but I trusted in my guides and in the directions, that they would watch over me. So I just breathed and fell deeper ‘asleep’.

Then, I suddenly heard a name, “Blue.” And it was then I realized I saw me…standing before me. She looked somewhat like me; yet she was different. I finally realized who/what she was…one of my soul fragments. I don’t know how I knew that, but the knowledge just came. I just didn’t know which aspect she was.

I talked with her, and found out that she was (part of) my pain. She screamed at me for existing and for putting both of us through the feeling of pain without having someone to take care of the pain. I was shocked for various reasons: 1) I suspected that due to everything I’ve gone through, I might have fragments and all, but I never expected one of them to come to me; 2) she was right – I never took care of her.

I could only stand there and let her rail at me until she quietened down, then I asked if she would be okay with chatting more again soon. Just…to chat. She didn’t reply but I think she’d be back.

I don’t know why, but I’m scared shitless. I don’t know why, but I’m just scared shitless.

After always seeing brahminy kites in close proximity to me whenever I am in need of certain reminders in my life, or when I go through tough patches, I finally got the hint and talked with the kite.

Incorporating Jim PathFinger Ewing’s methods of inviting the six directions in (Father Sky, Mother Earth, the East Wind, the South Wind, the West Wind, and the North Wind), apologizing for my ignorance in what they represented and how to thank them. But I thanked them anyway, and they came and stood at the four corners of the room I was in, which nicely coincided with the four cardinal directions. Father Sky and Mother Earth came and drew me in two directions to ground myself. Father Sky was a little stern but still kind; Mother Earth was really warm, and she took my hand and walked with me. The Four Winds took on human-like forms without faces. East Wind was red; South Wind was yellow; West Wind was black; North Wind was white.

They acknowledged my newness at this, and they acknowledged that I didn’t have a proper teacher. But they were willing to help me and guide me anyway. So with their help, I set my boundaries (after smudging the room) and then invited my two guides with me – Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. (For my own information, I might need to confront the latter one day and see why he’s around; he exhibited some strange behavior today. But Kiesh’ra didn’t show anything, so for now I’m keeping quiet but keeping an eye out).

From the distance, a rapidly-growing form came, and I saw that it was a/the kite who had called out to me, somewhat. She (yes, I finally have a female guide in the midst of all these males) landed, cocked her head at me, before taking a human form (why for, I’m not quite sure) for a few minutes. Maybe she wanted me to be able to relate to her. I said a hello, and then she reverted to her kite form, walked forward a little, and started scolding me in perfectly comprehensible mind-image-English talk, which surprised me greatly, since any and all of my guides have never spoken a word to me.

The kite scolded me for taking this long to ask for her, and then kind of went straight to business. She said she offers to be my guide. I thanked her and accepted her help. So, the first thing she wanted me to do was to dance the brahminy kite. I knew what that meant, and asked everyone for permission to stop drumming. The permission was given, and I placed my drum down and went into a crouched position, holding my palms out as the kite shared her…energy and memories and experiences with me. I thanked her and integrated those into myself, and then streamlined my arms with my sides to mimic folded wings. I took a few experimental steps forward, feeling the awkwardness of large birds at walking on land. Then she told me to fly, to flap my wings/arms a few times for takeoff, and I did, feeling the air beneath my cupped wings as resistance.

As I gained altitude, kite told/taught me to search for and feel for a thermal, and once I got it, it was as if I got onto a surfboard and didn’t have to do much, just adjust the positions of my wings/arms/fingers a little to soar and glide, feeling the exceptional control I had over how my body reacted to the winds. I felt my clawed feet tucked snugly beneath my body, the resistance of the wind beneath the span of my wings, and how I could feel tiny whistles of wind rushing through my wing tips and fingers.

When kite finally told me to stop dancing, I folded my wings to swoop down and then opened them at the last moments to flap a few times for resistance, and then landed. I could only grin at her. It was empowering.

She scolded me like a concerned mother, that dancing the kite and flying weren’t the only things I had to learn. I sobered up, and she told me that at this point in my life, I was like a hatchling (she gave me imageries of her whole life from birth till this moment) who got out and was finding a lot of trouble with my wings. The challenges I meet keep making me fall. But she said that the moment I found out how to use my wings, then I could learn how to fly. And she’d be around to teach me that. She’d also be around to teach me how to adapt, since the brahminy kite is famous locally for being a bird of prey which had adapted to human environments so much I can see them thriving in the city.

She and Kiesh’ra seemed to recognize each other but they didn’t acknowledge each other. She told me to internalize what she’d shared with me, nodded at my thanks, and somehow sensing I needed comfort, told me I could hug her. So I did, gently, smoothing her feathers down. I projected an image of the large feather I’d picked up a few years ago, but she didn’t know who it belonged to. So after some time, I thanked her again and let her fly off.

I thanked my guides and all six directions for their help and presence, and clapped my hands to break up the energies I’d formed. All of them helped me with dissipating the energies as well.

Perhaps it’d take a bit of light meditation and finding my Stillpoint to internalize and integrate what I’d learn…

Recently, my mom, sis and brother told me that they’ve been hearing the bell on our front wooden gate ring almost every night at around late 9pm to early 10pm+.

My house is what is termed as a corner unit. So, from our living room, we have to pass by our balcony before reaching our door. Beyond that is technically government property, but my dad had fixed a wooden gate about eight feet from our main gate. On the wooden gate, he’d nailed a bell in the shape of a cockerel so that people who don’t dare open the wooden gate to press our doorbell can ring that bell instead.

I was quite puzzled. Apparently, the cockerel-bell ringing has been going on for a long time. I’m usually home quite late so I’ve never heard it. But all three of them have attested to hearing it clearly every night.

Tonight is the second time I’ve heard it. I was busy so I didn’t head out immediately to check. But five minutes after that, when I did, there was no one there.

I went to talk with my neighbors’ helper. Their door is located about two feet (60cm) away from our wooden gate, so if the cockerel bell rings, they’d definitely be able to hear it, especially with their proximity. If I can hear it from all the way at the back of my house, sometimes even with my door closed, then they must be deaf if they can’t hear (it’s deafeningly-loud when I accidentally ring it), which they’re not.

Today, I washed my hands with soap and visualized all the filth being washed away. Then, I lit my white sage smudge stick, and starting from my wooden gate, smudged all the open spaces which are considered entrances/exits for whatever purposes. I did that for my whole house, and ended back at my wooden gate. There, I smudged the cockerel-bell, and created with the smudge stick’s smoke what I consider the equivalent of “The Girdle of Melian,” if anyone has read the Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien before. I used the smoke to create a maze of sorts, so that anyone or anything who has no express permission from me to enter will be trapped and confuddled by the girdle.

Then, I placed small pieces of crystals which already have a bindrune written on them in some pots of my corridor. These can and will be activated when/if I need them to be. I also placed some throughout the house. Over my gate, I used the smoke of the smudge stick to draw the bindrune as well.

Did some drumming to reaffirm the boundaries.

Now, let’s see what happens.

I meditated today, but didn’t manage to drum because the skin was a bit flat, and there are very annoying renovation works going on all around my house, and the drilling and hammering just took my whole focus away. So I resorted to trance drumming tracks on my MP3 player, turning the volume as high as it could go.

After the usual smudging and grounding, I just breathed, and breathed until I could sufficiently tune the noise out, and then did a small exercise which Seth explained in his book, Seth Speaks.

What I did was to envision tiny pockets of energy coming out from my pores, and this energy represented my “soul,” so to speak, and the broadening of reality into which my consciousness has been restricted to. It was a mildly-strange experience, feeling this expansion of consciousness, and seeing/visualizing the “energy points” which Seth had mentioned.

So, in that state of consciousness, I asked myself a few questions, attempting to quieten the rubble and cacophony of the mind and heart enough to hear the whispers of truth from myself.

Why should  I forgive him? Why should I not be angry at him and demand my compensation and revenge?

Because you still have love for him.

Is love supposed to be like that? So filled with anger and revenge and hurt and pain and wanting to hurt in return?

The love has been encrusted by all these. It is still there, but it is numbed and blocked out. Think about all the tender moments you have had with him. Think about the love that this relationship started on, until it was grimed over.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Get the grime off.

I did yet another cleansing ritual today. As usual, I started off with smudging the space I was in, thanking the smudge stick, my drum, and any other equipment I would be using. Then, I sat down with my drum and drummed a steady beat, grounding myself and creating a safe space.

Again, my two guides were with me, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. I sent a ping out to ask if any of my friends/’bonds would want to join me, and Zuko came again, albeit a little hesitantly. I think he was quite disturbed by my cleansing ritual yesterday, but because he treated me as a friend, he came with us again today.

I made my intentions very clear. I had three goals today: 1) to face the feelings that my rage protects (and if possible, to face my shadow self; if not, it’s okay); 2) to sow a new seed; 3) to visualize and believe in our relationship healing up.

With that in mind, my guides helped direct me to the first two. This time, we came to a well which was covered. My guides stood on either side of me; Zuko stood somewhere behind. I wondered what significance the well had; I wondered what the well contained.

I placed my hands on the wooden lid covering the well. It was old and cracked and full of splinters. As I touched it, I realized: this lid represented my anger and my rage. It was there to protect more vulnerable feelings I had. But if it were constantly there, then it would intrude even when its presence was no longer needed. So, as I grasped the lid, feeling some splinters bite into my skin, I thanked my anger for its protector’s role, but also informed it that it couldn’t always protect me when I didn’t need nor want protection, or when I needed to let my more vulnerable feelings out.

I placed the lid gently on the grass surrounding the well, then peered in. Inside was a swirl of murky water with many muted, dull, and dirtied colors. I wondered what they were. I had an idea but it wasn’t confirmed. I looked to Kiesh’ra as he passed me a bucket to lower it into the well, and I drew the murky water up. I wet my finger with it, and tasted it. Pain, more rage, betrayal, abandonment and all other negative feelings and experiences infused my senses, overwhelming. I needed to work on one thing at a time. I decided to work on and with pain.

As I thought that, the rest of the murky water somehow flowed out from beneath the bucket back into the well, though there was no hole, leaving the pain-water in the bucket. Holding it, I felt all those memories of being hurt come back, and I saw that there were many broken splinters of metal swirling around with the pain-water. Those splinters were things that hurt me. I placed a finger into the bucket and felt one of them slice my skin open, blood mixing with the water.

I closed my eyes, and held the bucket, letting those memories wash over me, not denying them, accepting them and letting them go. What he did throughout three years hurt me: broken promises, betrayals, abandonment, fights…yet woven throughout those was my own hands and doings. He reflected what I did to him; he reflected what I believed.

So, in place of pain, I needed to sow something else.

I knelt down on the soft earth, placing the bucket down, and placing my palm on the ground. I felt something hard, and took it. It was a seed from me, a seed of forgiveness I’d called up from myself.

I dug a small hole and placed the seed in, near the well of negative emotions. As I covered it up and raised a small mound, I thought consciously that I will start to forgive, both him and myself. I intent that from this moment on, I will tend to this seed even as I dig up the roots of negative emotions in me. There needs to be a balance. And right now, I’m finding one. So after patting the soil down, I watered it with the bucket of pain-water, intent-ing it to transform what pain is into forgiveness.

Then, I headed back to the lid, and picked it up, charging it to be a responsible protector again. And I was telling to myself the monk’s words, telling it to the lid:
Breathing in, I know that anger is here.
Breathing out, I know that the anger is in me.
Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant.
Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.
Breathing in, I am calm.
Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this
anger.

After that, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn took me apart again, letting me clean myself up layer by layer. It hurt, but slightly less. I scrubbed the grime off my skin, peeled the layer of junk/gunk off my flesh, and wiped my bones and skull clean. It felt strange to be a skeleton scrubbing the flesh, but it felt good, too.

My guides helped to put me back together after the whole thing was done. And now, I have reaffirmed for a second time what I intend to do, and what I want out of myself, so that I can be a healthier person for myself, and for him when he comes back.

I’m recently going through a bad patch with my relationship. What started as a fight about the same old thing turned into first a deadening of feelings by him, and then the feelings coming back, and then deadening again. Shocked at first, I behaved badly. But after a day, I spoke with many people, a few of whom I respect greatly. One of them is J., who introduced me to the ‘Seth teachings.’ I have been exposed to his teachings in a different way – in the ways of quantum physics and Schrodinger’s Cat and the Many Worlds Theory. But as a spiritual and daily-life thing, I’ve not used it up till now.

I also spoke with CD, a good friend from the States. He, after reading one of my posts about why things have happened the way they did in my relationship, mentioned something well: that my then-partner causing an act of abandonment and betrayal to me caused a seed of some sort to be sown in me, which I’d either knowingly or (more likely) unknowingly been tending to and feeding. Things are like that today because I fed that seed instead of starving it.

At first, all I could think of was to get him back. I was desperate to, not because I was afraid of being alone, but because it hurt that my partner had done this without discussion, without my consent. I spoke to him, and he agreed to give us a one month breather instead of breaking up completely. We’d talk again on September 27, 2009.

—

I woke up today with one question in my head: is this relationship worth fighting to get back for? Is it? when so many promises have been broken without healing, without discussion, in convenience.

But, is the ‘convenience’ really so? When I cleared some junk and think back, it might have been. But not fully. He was supporting the both of us, making sure we survived. Hence, no money. So it was half my fault, and half his.

After speaking with J., I realized I have a lot of negativity stored in me, either because of my thinking, or because of my experiences. It has been those that were clogging up the relationship, covering up a lot of good times with bad times and worse fights.

So, other than believing I wanted the relationship back and that it will work out, I had to also clean out my junk and gunk.

—

I smudged my room with white sage smudge, took out my drum which I hadn’t used in years, and apologized for neglecting it. I smudged my whole room, my drum, and myself, and sat down and began to drum.

It felt strange, drumming again. It’s been a long while since I’d done it. I wanted contact and used my fingers instead of the tipper, and as I breathed deeply and focused on my breathing, and also my drumming, I sank into my own personal space. Subconsciously, I felt a deep connection with how my fingers were connecting with the drum’s skin, and how it was guiding me, guiding my heartbeat and my steps.

After grounding myself, I asked which of my guides would like to help me. Kiesh’ra came – he’d been hanging around still even though my gunk had closed me off from him; for that, I was really grateful and thanked him. The hellspawn came back – I don’t know why, but it seems as if he might be back for a while. Zuko came – it seems as if he’s fast treated me as a friend and was worried for me. He was doubtful of my two guides, but he accepted their presence.

I asked them what I should do, but apparently, only Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn really knew. They usually communicate with me by empathic means of some sort, and none of them have ever spoken to me. But I felt that I needed to start walking to get someplace, so with the three of them surrounding me, I walked. I consciously intended to clear my gunk from my life, knowing that it’s a situation of rinse, wash and repeat. I consciously reaffirmed my belief in this relationship which I’m trying to get back.

Finally, we came to something, a small standing ornament such as the bird baths of European countries. In that standing basin, there was water filling about 1/4 of the basin. It was colorless. I didn’t know what it was. Kiesh’ra projected to me that I was there to do something, so it being water, the most logical thing would be to drink it.

I took a small plate/bowl/cup thing, scooped up one full scoop of the water (which wasn’t very much), and saw that the water level in the basin had lowered considerably, disproportionate to the amount which I’d scooped up. It’d turned a light black, which I didn’t like. But, I first drank the water in the cup I’d already filled.

This scoop contained all the good memories and experiences I’ve had with him throughout our relationship – spending good days at the beaches; playing games like frisbees; watching movies together and spending simple moments together; holding hands and walking at the parks; doing photography together; horse-riding together. They all washed through me with the poignant sadness of good memories came and gone. I teared a bit from sadness.

I then knew what the next scoop would be, but I didn’t refuse it. If I wanted to make myself clean, and to heal, I needed to face everything. So I scooped the black water out, and again, it lowered disproportionately to what I’d taken out. I hesitated, then drank it, and was sobbing badly from all the bad memories and experiences gone through with him – betrayal, abandonment, the constant breaking of promises; fights, blood, yelling, trying to jump off buildings; lack of emotions. I literally knelt over from the shock of those emotions, and Zuko came forward to hold my shoulder, but was told to step away since I needed to do this on my own.

They gave me a moment to compose myself and finish the black water, then Kiesh’ra brought my attention to that left in the basin. It was a mixture, like how oil and water never mix. But this one was both silver and black. They flowed sinuously around each other, yet never mixed, always flowing. I scooped them up, and was confused for a moment, until I realized: this cup represented a possibility. I would have to drink it, but then, I would have to consciously choose which road…which cup of water I wanted to keep drinking from from now on. I would have to be conscious about my choices and my feelings, and my acts on those feelings.

Still, that wasn’t the end. There was more cleansing to be done. Drinking my memories and my choices was only to make me conscious of my options and my experiences, to make them clearer for me so that I knew what they are, and what I could choose.

I needed to clean myself. I didn’t consciously choose to know how, but somehow, I did. My two guides knew that as well. Zuko was horrified at what needed to be done, but I had to tell him it was needed.

So I stood up and spread my arms. I was suddenly naked, just in my flesh. Kiesh’ra stood on my right, the hellspawn on my left. They placed their hands on the crown of my head, grabbed, and peeled my skin off. It hurt, and I was sobbing and sniffing even physically. They tore my skin from my body, and laid it down on the ground. Then they did the same with my flesh, which hurt even more raw-ly. I was probably a hysterical mess by then. But still we went on. They took my bones apart, starting from my skull, to the rest of my body, and laid them all out until I was just an essence.

And then I was asked: who are you?

Who am I? I asked myself. Maybe I was me, Casey, with all my dreams and desires and likes and dislikes, with my good feelings and my bad tempers. Maybe I was me, with my unique interests and beliefs. But no, that wasn’t it.

Who am I?

Then it finally struck me. I was simply…me. I’m a collection of my choices and my experiences, of my thoughts and my feelings. I’m simply me, and I’m simply who I choose to be. That was the most important part. I’m simply me right now; and in the future, whether it’s the next moment or not, I am who I choose to be.

And so, as an essence, I scrubbed the grime off my bones. They were dusty with dirt, and still not totally clean, but as clean as I could make them in one cleaning; then my guides put my bones back into shape, and I cleaned out my skull and my eye holes and stuff. After I was put together again as bones, I started work on my flesh, peeling off grime like thick flabs of cellulite. It was disgusting, but it was also a painful reminder of how much junk I’d accumulated.

The skin showed the same amount of neglect, and I also cleaned it out. Then they put back my flesh and skin like I was wearing some sort of catsuit, and I stood there feeling lighter from being cleansed for now, and yet feeling the burden of the responsibility of choices.

I thanked them all, and thanked my drum, and came back to consciousness. There would need to be repeated daily cleansing to be done, and I’d have to do it. But for now, I switched on a meditation track titled “Faith,” and visualized my final goals.

It was a hard session, and it’d be much harder from now on. But perhaps it’s a start to having a healthier relationship with myself, and with him if he should choose to return.