(Relationship | Internal stuff) More cleansing; sowing a new seed

I did yet another cleansing ritual today. As usual, I started off with smudging the space I was in, thanking the smudge stick, my drum, and any other equipment I would be using. Then, I sat down with my drum and drummed a steady beat, grounding myself and creating a safe space.

Again, my two guides were with me, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. I sent a ping out to ask if any of my friends/’bonds would want to join me, and Zuko came again, albeit a little hesitantly. I think he was quite disturbed by my cleansing ritual yesterday, but because he treated me as a friend, he came with us again today.

I made my intentions very clear. I had three goals today: 1) to face the feelings that my rage protects (and if possible, to face my shadow self; if not, it’s okay); 2) to sow a new seed; 3) to visualize and believe in our relationship healing up.

With that in mind, my guides helped direct me to the first two. This time, we came to a well which was covered. My guides stood on either side of me; Zuko stood somewhere behind. I wondered what significance the well had; I wondered what the well contained.

I placed my hands on the wooden lid covering the well. It was old and cracked and full of splinters. As I touched it, I realized: this lid represented my anger and my rage. It was there to protect more vulnerable feelings I had. But if it were constantly there, then it would intrude even when its presence was no longer needed. So, as I grasped the lid, feeling some splinters bite into my skin, I thanked my anger for its protector’s role, but also informed it that it couldn’t always protect me when I didn’t need nor want protection, or when I needed to let my more vulnerable feelings out.

I placed the lid gently on the grass surrounding the well, then peered in. Inside was a swirl of murky water with many muted, dull, and dirtied colors. I wondered what they were. I had an idea but it wasn’t confirmed. I looked to Kiesh’ra as he passed me a bucket to lower it into the well, and I drew the murky water up. I wet my finger with it, and tasted it. Pain, more rage, betrayal, abandonment and all other negative feelings and experiences infused my senses, overwhelming. I needed to work on one thing at a time. I decided to work on and with pain.

As I thought that, the rest of the murky water somehow flowed out from beneath the bucket back into the well, though there was no hole, leaving the pain-water in the bucket. Holding it, I felt all those memories of being hurt come back, and I saw that there were many broken splinters of metal swirling around with the pain-water. Those splinters were things that hurt me. I placed a finger into the bucket and felt one of them slice my skin open, blood mixing with the water.

I closed my eyes, and held the bucket, letting those memories wash over me, not denying them, accepting them and letting them go. What he did throughout three years hurt me: broken promises, betrayals, abandonment, fights…yet woven throughout those was my own hands and doings. He reflected what I did to him; he reflected what I believed.

So, in place of pain, I needed to sow something else.

I knelt down on the soft earth, placing the bucket down, and placing my palm on the ground. I felt something hard, and took it. It was a seed from me, a seed of forgiveness I’d called up from myself.

I dug a small hole and placed the seed in, near the well of negative emotions. As I covered it up and raised a small mound, I thought consciously that I will start to forgive, both him and myself. I intent that from this moment on, I will tend to this seed even as I dig up the roots of negative emotions in me. There needs to be a balance. And right now, I’m finding one. So after patting the soil down, I watered it with the bucket of pain-water, intent-ing it to transform what pain is into forgiveness.

Then, I headed back to the lid, and picked it up, charging it to be a responsible protector again. And I was telling to myself the monk’s words, telling it to the lid:
Breathing in, I know that anger is here.
Breathing out, I know that the anger is in me.
Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant.
Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.
Breathing in, I am calm.
Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this
anger.

After that, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn took me apart again, letting me clean myself up layer by layer. It hurt, but slightly less. I scrubbed the grime off my skin, peeled the layer of junk/gunk off my flesh, and wiped my bones and skull clean. It felt strange to be a skeleton scrubbing the flesh, but it felt good, too.

My guides helped to put me back together after the whole thing was done. And now, I have reaffirmed for a second time what I intend to do, and what I want out of myself, so that I can be a healthier person for myself, and for him when he comes back.

(Relationship) Cleansing

I’m recently going through a bad patch with my relationship. What started as a fight about the same old thing turned into first a deadening of feelings by him, and then the feelings coming back, and then deadening again. Shocked at first, I behaved badly. But after a day, I spoke with many people, a few of whom I respect greatly. One of them is J., who introduced me to the ‘Seth teachings.’ I have been exposed to his teachings in a different way – in the ways of quantum physics and Schrodinger’s Cat and the Many Worlds Theory. But as a spiritual and daily-life thing, I’ve not used it up till now.

I also spoke with CD, a good friend from the States. He, after reading one of my posts about why things have happened the way they did in my relationship, mentioned something well: that my then-partner causing an act of abandonment and betrayal to me caused a seed of some sort to be sown in me, which I’d either knowingly or (more likely) unknowingly been tending to and feeding. Things are like that today because I fed that seed instead of starving it.

At first, all I could think of was to get him back. I was desperate to, not because I was afraid of being alone, but because it hurt that my partner had done this without discussion, without my consent. I spoke to him, and he agreed to give us a one month breather instead of breaking up completely. We’d talk again on September 27, 2009.

—

I woke up today with one question in my head: is this relationship worth fighting to get back for? Is it? when so many promises have been broken without healing, without discussion, in convenience.

But, is the ‘convenience’ really so? When I cleared some junk and think back, it might have been. But not fully. He was supporting the both of us, making sure we survived. Hence, no money. So it was half my fault, and half his.

After speaking with J., I realized I have a lot of negativity stored in me, either because of my thinking, or because of my experiences. It has been those that were clogging up the relationship, covering up a lot of good times with bad times and worse fights.

So, other than believing I wanted the relationship back and that it will work out, I had to also clean out my junk and gunk.

—

I smudged my room with white sage smudge, took out my drum which I hadn’t used in years, and apologized for neglecting it. I smudged my whole room, my drum, and myself, and sat down and began to drum.

It felt strange, drumming again. It’s been a long while since I’d done it. I wanted contact and used my fingers instead of the tipper, and as I breathed deeply and focused on my breathing, and also my drumming, I sank into my own personal space. Subconsciously, I felt a deep connection with how my fingers were connecting with the drum’s skin, and how it was guiding me, guiding my heartbeat and my steps.

After grounding myself, I asked which of my guides would like to help me. Kiesh’ra came – he’d been hanging around still even though my gunk had closed me off from him; for that, I was really grateful and thanked him. The hellspawn came back – I don’t know why, but it seems as if he might be back for a while. Zuko came – it seems as if he’s fast treated me as a friend and was worried for me. He was doubtful of my two guides, but he accepted their presence.

I asked them what I should do, but apparently, only Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn really knew. They usually communicate with me by empathic means of some sort, and none of them have ever spoken to me. But I felt that I needed to start walking to get someplace, so with the three of them surrounding me, I walked. I consciously intended to clear my gunk from my life, knowing that it’s a situation of rinse, wash and repeat. I consciously reaffirmed my belief in this relationship which I’m trying to get back.

Finally, we came to something, a small standing ornament such as the bird baths of European countries. In that standing basin, there was water filling about 1/4 of the basin. It was colorless. I didn’t know what it was. Kiesh’ra projected to me that I was there to do something, so it being water, the most logical thing would be to drink it.

I took a small plate/bowl/cup thing, scooped up one full scoop of the water (which wasn’t very much), and saw that the water level in the basin had lowered considerably, disproportionate to the amount which I’d scooped up. It’d turned a light black, which I didn’t like. But, I first drank the water in the cup I’d already filled.

This scoop contained all the good memories and experiences I’ve had with him throughout our relationship – spending good days at the beaches; playing games like frisbees; watching movies together and spending simple moments together; holding hands and walking at the parks; doing photography together; horse-riding together. They all washed through me with the poignant sadness of good memories came and gone. I teared a bit from sadness.

I then knew what the next scoop would be, but I didn’t refuse it. If I wanted to make myself clean, and to heal, I needed to face everything. So I scooped the black water out, and again, it lowered disproportionately to what I’d taken out. I hesitated, then drank it, and was sobbing badly from all the bad memories and experiences gone through with him – betrayal, abandonment, the constant breaking of promises; fights, blood, yelling, trying to jump off buildings; lack of emotions. I literally knelt over from the shock of those emotions, and Zuko came forward to hold my shoulder, but was told to step away since I needed to do this on my own.

They gave me a moment to compose myself and finish the black water, then Kiesh’ra brought my attention to that left in the basin. It was a mixture, like how oil and water never mix. But this one was both silver and black. They flowed sinuously around each other, yet never mixed, always flowing. I scooped them up, and was confused for a moment, until I realized: this cup represented a possibility. I would have to drink it, but then, I would have to consciously choose which road…which cup of water I wanted to keep drinking from from now on. I would have to be conscious about my choices and my feelings, and my acts on those feelings.

Still, that wasn’t the end. There was more cleansing to be done. Drinking my memories and my choices was only to make me conscious of my options and my experiences, to make them clearer for me so that I knew what they are, and what I could choose.

I needed to clean myself. I didn’t consciously choose to know how, but somehow, I did. My two guides knew that as well. Zuko was horrified at what needed to be done, but I had to tell him it was needed.

So I stood up and spread my arms. I was suddenly naked, just in my flesh. Kiesh’ra stood on my right, the hellspawn on my left. They placed their hands on the crown of my head, grabbed, and peeled my skin off. It hurt, and I was sobbing and sniffing even physically. They tore my skin from my body, and laid it down on the ground. Then they did the same with my flesh, which hurt even more raw-ly. I was probably a hysterical mess by then. But still we went on. They took my bones apart, starting from my skull, to the rest of my body, and laid them all out until I was just an essence.

And then I was asked: who are you?

Who am I? I asked myself. Maybe I was me, Casey, with all my dreams and desires and likes and dislikes, with my good feelings and my bad tempers. Maybe I was me, with my unique interests and beliefs. But no, that wasn’t it.

Who am I?

Then it finally struck me. I was simply…me. I’m a collection of my choices and my experiences, of my thoughts and my feelings. I’m simply me, and I’m simply who I choose to be. That was the most important part. I’m simply me right now; and in the future, whether it’s the next moment or not, I am who I choose to be.

And so, as an essence, I scrubbed the grime off my bones. They were dusty with dirt, and still not totally clean, but as clean as I could make them in one cleaning; then my guides put my bones back into shape, and I cleaned out my skull and my eye holes and stuff. After I was put together again as bones, I started work on my flesh, peeling off grime like thick flabs of cellulite. It was disgusting, but it was also a painful reminder of how much junk I’d accumulated.

The skin showed the same amount of neglect, and I also cleaned it out. Then they put back my flesh and skin like I was wearing some sort of catsuit, and I stood there feeling lighter from being cleansed for now, and yet feeling the burden of the responsibility of choices.

I thanked them all, and thanked my drum, and came back to consciousness. There would need to be repeated daily cleansing to be done, and I’d have to do it. But for now, I switched on a meditation track titled “Faith,” and visualized my final goals.

It was a hard session, and it’d be much harder from now on. But perhaps it’s a start to having a healthier relationship with myself, and with him if he should choose to return.

(Soulbonding) The management of fire and anger | Lighting of candles

Two weeks ago, Fire Lord Zuko and I had a small exercise which went a little bit off tangent – the after effects were a little bit unpleasant, and both of us didn’t expect that to happen, although it seems a logical enough aftermath.

What happened was that Zuko thought it would be a good idea to teach me where the source of all my rage and passion and everything intense came from, and how to bring it up and direct it in a safer way. Of course, all these stem a lot from one of the strongest points of energy in the body, the dan1 tian2 in Mandarin, known also as the base chakra.

He taught me to acknowledge that I have a much, much larger source of rage than a lot of others, and to control that rage, I have to learn how to redirect it in a safe manner. So he made me release all the molten fire from my dan tian, and let it fill my whole body, first down to my thighs and groin and feet, and from there rising upwards, spilling over into my arms and palms, and then rising more into my head till my whole body was glowing. He taught me a lesson on how to balance the fire just at the edge of my body, with the tension balanced just nice enough so that the fire didn’t coalesce back into my base chakra, but also didn’t explode outwards suddenly.

The whole lesson took almost forty-five minutes, and when he finally allowed me to collect the fire back into a more manageable ball, my body had an averse reaction of nausea and dazedness which was most unpleasant. He felt extremely sorry after that, but I developed a fear of the nausea and hadn’t trained with him for the past two weeks until today.

However, he had also taught me a sort of half-dance, half-martial arts which allowed me to release a lot of the fire/rage through my fists or palms outwardly, without attacking anything in particular, much like making an opponent winded before attacking (just that this is simply making the rage winded). It’s a very circular dance, with fire lashing out like whips but keeping them in circular motion, much like those Chinese dances using long flying ribbons. In a way.

—

Today, I was pissed off about something and almost ready to go insane with rage all over again with nothing to lash out. Perhaps, having been a very very angry person before, Zuko understood what I was going through, and felt empathy for me enough to keep an almost constant rapport between us so that he might help whenever he can, or whenever I needed it.

So, he actually kind of dragged me into my “mindspace” of sorts, and I saw hundreds upon hundreds of white and fat candles placed at various heights in neat rows. He knew that the dance wouldn’t be enough this time, that I needed to direct my rage and fire at something. So he told me to use only my second and third fingers of each hand in the traditional Chinese swordfighting martial arts style, and light each and every candle in sequence.

There were a few times during the lighting of those candles I lost it, and he made me focus my rage on him by rapidly holding up the candles and making me light them with precision while he held them, all the while trusting I wouldn’t hurt him with my own fire.

Apparently, as he explained to me after that, the candles are somewhat a representation of my rage, or the fuel of my rage. The flame is the attack, the point of the candle which can burn and hurt. It is up to me how big or small I keep the flames, or how I use the whole candle as I wish to. I still haven’t grasped the whole concept in my mind, and this will take further experimenting with.

All in all, I have to thank Zuko for being a willing master. I have been better able to control my rage without lashing out with the same frequency or intensity since he has taught me.

(Soulbonding) Lessons of fire and air

What basic thing Zuko taught me last night was a reminder, that fire was not just fire. It is made of air and fire – the fuel and the effect. He actually told me what firebending really was. It was bending energy around a funnel of air, using air to both fuel and trap the energy between two layers as a sort of direction.

That was pretty logical.

What confused me was the internal energy of bending itself. According to the wiki page on Avatar, the Fire Nation’s martial arts style was based on Northern Shaolin kung fu.

I have absolutely no experience with that form of martial arts. What I have learn intensively are simply taekwondo, and taichi – one hard form, and one soft form. So I was taught to visualize and combine both of them in a sense of energy direction. I probably couldn’t replicate it in the real world (for now?) but it did achieve something: it focused my mind a lot more than other techniques I’ve learnt or been taught.