Jish, crystals, self-hypnosis

I was finally able to offer corn meal to the winds today, the six directions. Thank you to sixhunter who got me those small little cute teacups. I think the winds were quite pleased with the offering.

As usual, I invited them in, and offered them white sage smoke as well, asking for protection, and the creation of boundaries.

Today, it was more to smudge and work with a few crystals. Which was ironic – I am a skeptic when it comes to believing in the power of crystals. Yet, with the knowledge that scientifically, crystals such as clear quartz are used as storage of energy and amplification of those to power say, things like watches, my skepticism diminished slightly. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m absolutely sure crystals work on a spiritual or intangible level, but there is a possibility – after all, a lot of facts now were fantastical conjectures in the past, and only when physical equipment became advanced enough to measure those fantasies that they became ‘facts.’

So…what the hell? I shall pretend. No loss to me, anyway.

I worked with a clear quartz wand and a lapis lazuli (both given by a very dear friend though we don’t speak much), and a citrine piece I bought. Perhaps it was the ‘pretending’ that made them work, but the three crystals worked together to focus my thoughts and intentions into an intensity that was somewhat astounding. Even after the hypnosis session, my whole head throbbed a little, when it has almost-never done so before.

I was actually able to almost feel my power coming out from my skin, and I ‘pretended’ to see through the illusion of time and space, and followed my lines and waves of power to the farthest reaches of the universe. I got a sense of something similar to the exact meeting line of tectonic plates on earth – that they are destroyed somewhere and recreated somewhere else even as they expand.

I was better able, also, to feel that my point of power is in the present, even though part of my consciousness kind of travelled the waves and took peeks at the probable pasts and probable futures.

Kiesh’ra was quite happy that I found the lapis. I think that was the crystal he wanted. No idea why. I told him not to get any weird ideas as well. First time I’ve seen him smile so widely. Um…something is up. *not so subtle hint to him*

Perhaps I shall start working with these three crystals a lot more from now on. At least as a focus of my thoughts, and amplification of them.

Soul fragment

Even after the ‘clean slate’ – tabula rasa – we said we’d give each other, we both know that there can never be a true tabula rasa, not as clean as before.

For myself, I felt frequently the tsunamis of old pains and old hurts rising up frequently, whether we’re together or not. I feel frequently the coils of insanity and madness reaching out for me, to take over. I wanted to know why.

I made sure to smudge the room and had read up beforehand on the proper aspects of the unolis, the winds, and as I invited them in, I made sure to give them proper credit this time. Once they took their positions, I asked them to help me hold my boundaries as I smudged my drum and myself. Then I sat down, and drummed. My questions today were: why I still held so much pain and what is the cause of it; why I had so much insanity and revengeful thoughts coming up still.

However, there is still a lot of renovation works going on, and the drilling and shrill noises of all those cut very starkly into my attempt at meditation. So I had to turn once again to my MP3 player and to a drumming track, turning the volume high up until even my ears rattled.

It took me a very long time as compared with usual to settle down. I don’t know why. Even through the high volume of the drumming track, the shrillness of those renovation works just cut in really badly. All I could do was to trust that my boundaries would hold, and my guides would look after me, and just…breathe.

I felt the breath coming and going, slowly…until I fell partway asleep…into that realm where I knew I was kind of awake, but also sleeping. Straddling the twilight, I call it…

For the first time in my entire life (and entire four years of spiritual practice), I started hearing a voice inside my head. It was jumbled up and I couldn’t make out discernable words. I was startled and scared, but I trusted in my guides and in the directions, that they would watch over me. So I just breathed and fell deeper ‘asleep’.

Then, I suddenly heard a name, “Blue.” And it was then I realized I saw me…standing before me. She looked somewhat like me; yet she was different. I finally realized who/what she was…one of my soul fragments. I don’t know how I knew that, but the knowledge just came. I just didn’t know which aspect she was.

I talked with her, and found out that she was (part of) my pain. She screamed at me for existing and for putting both of us through the feeling of pain without having someone to take care of the pain. I was shocked for various reasons: 1) I suspected that due to everything I’ve gone through, I might have fragments and all, but I never expected one of them to come to me; 2) she was right – I never took care of her.

I could only stand there and let her rail at me until she quietened down, then I asked if she would be okay with chatting more again soon. Just…to chat. She didn’t reply but I think she’d be back.

I don’t know why, but I’m scared shitless. I don’t know why, but I’m just scared shitless.

Thanking the six directions | Accepting my totem/power animal

After always seeing brahminy kites in close proximity to me whenever I am in need of certain reminders in my life, or when I go through tough patches, I finally got the hint and talked with the kite.

Incorporating Jim PathFinger Ewing’s methods of inviting the six directions in (Father Sky, Mother Earth, the East Wind, the South Wind, the West Wind, and the North Wind), apologizing for my ignorance in what they represented and how to thank them. But I thanked them anyway, and they came and stood at the four corners of the room I was in, which nicely coincided with the four cardinal directions. Father Sky and Mother Earth came and drew me in two directions to ground myself. Father Sky was a little stern but still kind; Mother Earth was really warm, and she took my hand and walked with me. The Four Winds took on human-like forms without faces. East Wind was red; South Wind was yellow; West Wind was black; North Wind was white.

They acknowledged my newness at this, and they acknowledged that I didn’t have a proper teacher. But they were willing to help me and guide me anyway. So with their help, I set my boundaries (after smudging the room) and then invited my two guides with me – Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. (For my own information, I might need to confront the latter one day and see why he’s around; he exhibited some strange behavior today. But Kiesh’ra didn’t show anything, so for now I’m keeping quiet but keeping an eye out).

From the distance, a rapidly-growing form came, and I saw that it was a/the kite who had called out to me, somewhat. She (yes, I finally have a female guide in the midst of all these males) landed, cocked her head at me, before taking a human form (why for, I’m not quite sure) for a few minutes. Maybe she wanted me to be able to relate to her. I said a hello, and then she reverted to her kite form, walked forward a little, and started scolding me in perfectly comprehensible mind-image-English talk, which surprised me greatly, since any and all of my guides have never spoken a word to me.

The kite scolded me for taking this long to ask for her, and then kind of went straight to business. She said she offers to be my guide. I thanked her and accepted her help. So, the first thing she wanted me to do was to dance the brahminy kite. I knew what that meant, and asked everyone for permission to stop drumming. The permission was given, and I placed my drum down and went into a crouched position, holding my palms out as the kite shared her…energy and memories and experiences with me. I thanked her and integrated those into myself, and then streamlined my arms with my sides to mimic folded wings. I took a few experimental steps forward, feeling the awkwardness of large birds at walking on land. Then she told me to fly, to flap my wings/arms a few times for takeoff, and I did, feeling the air beneath my cupped wings as resistance.

As I gained altitude, kite told/taught me to search for and feel for a thermal, and once I got it, it was as if I got onto a surfboard and didn’t have to do much, just adjust the positions of my wings/arms/fingers a little to soar and glide, feeling the exceptional control I had over how my body reacted to the winds. I felt my clawed feet tucked snugly beneath my body, the resistance of the wind beneath the span of my wings, and how I could feel tiny whistles of wind rushing through my wing tips and fingers.

When kite finally told me to stop dancing, I folded my wings to swoop down and then opened them at the last moments to flap a few times for resistance, and then landed. I could only grin at her. It was empowering.

She scolded me like a concerned mother, that dancing the kite and flying weren’t the only things I had to learn. I sobered up, and she told me that at this point in my life, I was like a hatchling (she gave me imageries of her whole life from birth till this moment) who got out and was finding a lot of trouble with my wings. The challenges I meet keep making me fall. But she said that the moment I found out how to use my wings, then I could learn how to fly. And she’d be around to teach me that. She’d also be around to teach me how to adapt, since the brahminy kite is famous locally for being a bird of prey which had adapted to human environments so much I can see them thriving in the city.

She and Kiesh’ra seemed to recognize each other but they didn’t acknowledge each other. She told me to internalize what she’d shared with me, nodded at my thanks, and somehow sensing I needed comfort, told me I could hug her. So I did, gently, smoothing her feathers down. I projected an image of the large feather I’d picked up a few years ago, but she didn’t know who it belonged to. So after some time, I thanked her again and let her fly off.

I thanked my guides and all six directions for their help and presence, and clapped my hands to break up the energies I’d formed. All of them helped me with dissipating the energies as well.

Perhaps it’d take a bit of light meditation and finding my Stillpoint to internalize and integrate what I’d learn…