Forgiveness and anger?

I meditated today, but didn’t manage to drum because the skin was a bit flat, and there are very annoying renovation works going on all around my house, and the drilling and hammering just took my whole focus away. So I resorted to trance drumming tracks on my MP3 player, turning the volume as high as it could go.

After the usual smudging and grounding, I just breathed, and breathed until I could sufficiently tune the noise out, and then did a small exercise which Seth explained in his book, Seth Speaks.

What I did was to envision tiny pockets of energy coming out from my pores, and this energy represented my “soul,” so to speak, and the broadening of reality into which my consciousness has been restricted to. It was a mildly-strange experience, feeling this expansion of consciousness, and seeing/visualizing the “energy points” which Seth had mentioned.

So, in that state of consciousness, I asked myself a few questions, attempting to quieten the rubble and cacophony of the mind and heart enough to hear the whispers of truth from myself.

Why should  I forgive him? Why should I not be angry at him and demand my compensation and revenge?

Because you still have love for him.

Is love supposed to be like that? So filled with anger and revenge and hurt and pain and wanting to hurt in return?

The love has been encrusted by all these. It is still there, but it is numbed and blocked out. Think about all the tender moments you have had with him. Think about the love that this relationship started on, until it was grimed over.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Get the grime off.

Conscious intent to deal with rage

After what has happened with my relationship, I realized that I grieve far too much for the importance and loss of one person more than the trip three years ago. After losing him and gaining him back, I meditated today to consciously attempt to:

1. Acknowledge and deal with my rage

2. Ask for a time-out during fights or when I’m angry so that I can handle the rage

3. Seep my rage into spiritual/emotional holdable mediums so that I can deal with it (inspired by moonvoice).

Second thing – I’ve emailed my psychologist to tell him that I realized it’s my rage that is affecting a lot of things, so once the swine flu thing has blown over (and we don’t have to wear robes and masks while talking, thank you very much), I’ll like to start working on anger management with him along with my depression and borderline disorder.

Third thing – I’ve emailed a hypnotherapist and am awaiting his reply on how I can use this therapy in conjunction with my sessions with my own psychologist to deal with my issues.

Meditation | Grounding

This version of my grounding technique has been adapted from the Rainbow Healing/Language of Light meditation I used to attend in 2005.

Sit down, either on a chair, or cross-legged, whichever is most comfortable for you. Ensure that your back and spine are straight. Rest your hands palms-up on your lap, close your eyes, and consciously breathe slowly, letting your mind slow down and linger on the in…out…in…out… of your breathing.

Once you feel suitably calm, try to feel which parts of your body you feel the most tensed up in. The most frequent areas to note are the forehead, the neck, the shoulders and the back of the shoulders, the throat, the base of the spine, and the chest. Imagine the tension at those places as ropes knotted up tightly, and visualize hands slowly working the knots free, one by one. Take all the time you need, all the while breathing slowly.

After the release of tension is done (don’t worry if you still feel a little tight in places), give yourself a few seconds to return to the breathing stage.

Then, visualize that a connection is being built between your body and the center of the earth, starting from the base of your spine. I have utilized different imageries every time I ground, since every time, what feels more natural is different. You might want to imagine tree roots growing downwards, digging and penetrating the soil until you reach the magma; you might imagine yourself finding a cave with a tunnel which leads to the magma. And so on. Visualize what is best for you at that moment.

Once you’ve reached the center of the earth, visualize building blocks (tree roots growing sideways; pillars etc.) anchoring you firmly to the earth, and then draw the earth’s glowing red fire up through the connection, into the base of your spine, and up through your whole body, filling you up as the blood travels around.

From the crown of your head, visualize a similar connection extending upwards, to the sky, or to whichever source you prefer. Search for the light of the sun, the stars, the moon, or any other celestial bodies you might want to ask for help from. Draw those lights into your body, just like you did with the magma. Fill the lights merging with the fiery-red; is it red-gold because of the sun? Is it silvery-red-gold because of the addition of the sun and moon? Try to imagine those.

Once you are comfortable with the imageries of the lights filling your body, imagine the seven chakras in your body opening up: the crown of the head; the forehead; the throat; the heart;  the chest/solar plexus; above the navel; and at the base of the spine. I like to think of them like ring binders, opening up so that as the lights rush through my body, all the emotional/spiritual debris are washed out at the openings.

With that done, return your breathing to normal. Take as long as you need or want to focus again, and then thank whatever sources of energy you borrowed from before breaking the connections gently.

Grounding takes practice. Don’t worry if you still feel spacey sometimes, or if you fall asleep.