Various things – Blue, sending the Hellspawn away, etc.

In truth, I don’t know how to start this post. And I don’t quite know how to write this post since everything seems to be jumbled up quite badly.

I shall try my best to make some coherence from it.

—–

I smudged the room and created my boundaries with a cedar and white sage smudge (I think I much prefer pure white sage), thanked Father Sky and Mother Earth for coming in to take care of me, smudged myself, and sat down with my drumming music. My intention today was to speak with Blue, my soul fragment who is a large part of my pain.

She was at first cocky and all that. But I simply spoke with her very honestly, saying that I’m sorry I never took care of her, and I can’t remember what else. But I did tell her that I’d appreciate if she would come back to me for integration, so that I can try my best to take care of her and acknowledge her, and hopefully she’s able to take care of me as well.

After some time, her fake cockiness vanished, and she nodded and got up to walk towards me. As she did, the countenance of her face was somehow taken over by a demon’s visage. Now, I’m not terribly scared of demons, because not all of them are bad (one of my soulbonds is a demon in human visage and he has told me and showed me about it, but I still love him as my brother). But this one didn’t feel good, so I used conscious intent to rip it from Blue and send it back to its orginator, whom, for some not so strange reason, was the Hellspawn.

I asked Kiesh’ra to take care of it, and to please send the Hellspawn on its way, that I’d give him something valuable as thanks once I’m done with my stuff. The latter wasn’t happy about it (not hostile at all, but not happy), but I created my boundaries more firmly and asked Father Sky and Mother Earth to help me with my boundaries, and to take care of me, their child. I turned my attention back to Blue, and still saw a fuzzy demonic visage on her face. She told me sternly that I needed to focus, so I intent-ed that I’d have clear vision to see things in their true forms, and that demonic visage vanished, leaving a much younger Blue/me. It was as if pain had aged her by a lot, and by acknowledging her and in a sense taking away her pain, she became more innocent, younger.

She stepped into me, and I consciously integrated her. I felt Kiesh’ra’s hands all over me, helping me firm and pat down the energy tendrils I was giving out, helping me with the integration. Once that was done, I smiled at him and got up to hug him as a thank you. I’m pretty short, even as a spiritual form, and the top of my head come only to his stomach area. I pressed my left cheek against his stomach, and was horrified to feel my cheek getting “engulfed” by that area. I thought great, another demon or thing I don’t want around me, and pulled back only to realize that it was a wound – a sword slash starting from his left rib and ending near his navel.

I glanced up at him and then realized he’d gotten into a swordfight with the Hellspawn and just went oh shit, and batted his hand away and told him I’m going to heal him so he better let me. So I placed both my palms over the wound, consciously intent healing, and sent lights representing various sorts of healing into the wound – pink for gentle knitting of the wound; red for vitality; a light blue for the equivalent of moisture/water his body needed.

After a few minutes, the wound closed up with only a faint scar (okay, my healing ability seems to have activated somewhat, though it’s strange my first act should be in the spiritual realm where I have little to no experience at all), and I hugged him properly this time. I felt my cheek against warm, solid flesh, but also felt fuzzy energy brushing against mine. It was cute.

I told Kiesh’ra I had to settle stuff with the Hellspawn now – it was standing right outside my boundaries. Some sort of small shack appeared – seems to be mine – and though I actually thought of giving some of my energy as thanks to the Hellspawn, Kiesh’ra stopped me, and led me to this small cabinet in the shack. He opened it and inside were some rice cakes. I don’t know why something seemingly-simple is important, but the rice cakes felt very vital. He passed them to me and I took them to my boundaries and stood before the Hellspawn, telling him thank you for his help, but I think I didn’t need his help any longer. I passed the rice cakes to him, but he still stood there.

I walked away again, and suddenly found myself in the armor both he and the Hellspawn had gifted me. Sensing that its use was no longer needed, I started stripping myself of it respectfully, calling forth my energy and Kiesh’ra’s energy to recall them. I handed Kiesh’ra back his golden sash, and asked him to take care of it for me until he wanted to give it to me again and when I was ready. I recalled the golden energy outlining the face opening of my helm, and making sure not one trace of any others’ energies clung to them, returned them to my protector. Then, as I took off each piece of my armor, I recalled my energy and placed them into a small wooden bowl. Each item I took off, the brahminy kite gripped and returned to the Hellspawn. I think Kiesh’ra somehow took care of the black sword the Hellspawn had given me too – I don’t remember what I did with it.

I made sure the kite’s own energies were clear.

I was naked, but in the spiritual world, you come with yourself and you go with yourself. There’s nothing to be ashamed about nakedness of. I might acquire things along the way, but in the end, I am still me, and naked.

Then I hugged the kite and she groomed my hair for a bit and gave me a small bite on my neck and told me never to invite these sort of “people” in again, then she glanced up at Kiesh’ra and made bird-talk which I think was her scolding him and saying he should do his job…I wrapped her in protective energies so that she and her brood would be safe.

After that, I knelt on the ground, and held my palms over the mucky energies. I ordered those that weren’t mine to please collate in my palms, and I brought them to the Hellspawn as well, thanking him for any help he’d given me. I told him that these weren’t the kind of muck or darkness I needed; that the darkness I needed was where I can find my own balance and walk the middle path. He seemed unhappy but still not hostile.

I then ordered Kiesh’ra to go to the small bed or something in the shack and to bloody lay down to rest this time or else I’d make him. From the well beside the shack, I drew up a bucket of clear, pure and healing water, and made him drink it and made him lay down. I sat facing away from the shack to do my hypnosis project, but felt a bit dazed and unable to focus. I suddenly felt hands on my temples, and a sudden gentle energy flowing through my mind, and realized it was Kiesh’ra who was helping me. He did that for a bit and went to lay down, and came back to help a bit more when I needed help again.

When I finally finished my hypnosis about 30 minutes later, I glanced back and saw the Kiesh’ra had fallen asleep. I walked over to stand before him, and asked for clear vision again. Somehow, I still alternated between seeing him with a falcon-head, and with a falcon-helm. I let him sleep, and came back to my body.

Forgot to mention I saw another soul fragment hanging around – anger. I said hello and acknowledged her, and will speak with her soon. I hope nothing goes wrong from that.

Thanking the six directions | Accepting my totem/power animal

After always seeing brahminy kites in close proximity to me whenever I am in need of certain reminders in my life, or when I go through tough patches, I finally got the hint and talked with the kite.

Incorporating Jim PathFinger Ewing’s methods of inviting the six directions in (Father Sky, Mother Earth, the East Wind, the South Wind, the West Wind, and the North Wind), apologizing for my ignorance in what they represented and how to thank them. But I thanked them anyway, and they came and stood at the four corners of the room I was in, which nicely coincided with the four cardinal directions. Father Sky and Mother Earth came and drew me in two directions to ground myself. Father Sky was a little stern but still kind; Mother Earth was really warm, and she took my hand and walked with me. The Four Winds took on human-like forms without faces. East Wind was red; South Wind was yellow; West Wind was black; North Wind was white.

They acknowledged my newness at this, and they acknowledged that I didn’t have a proper teacher. But they were willing to help me and guide me anyway. So with their help, I set my boundaries (after smudging the room) and then invited my two guides with me – Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. (For my own information, I might need to confront the latter one day and see why he’s around; he exhibited some strange behavior today. But Kiesh’ra didn’t show anything, so for now I’m keeping quiet but keeping an eye out).

From the distance, a rapidly-growing form came, and I saw that it was a/the kite who had called out to me, somewhat. She (yes, I finally have a female guide in the midst of all these males) landed, cocked her head at me, before taking a human form (why for, I’m not quite sure) for a few minutes. Maybe she wanted me to be able to relate to her. I said a hello, and then she reverted to her kite form, walked forward a little, and started scolding me in perfectly comprehensible mind-image-English talk, which surprised me greatly, since any and all of my guides have never spoken a word to me.

The kite scolded me for taking this long to ask for her, and then kind of went straight to business. She said she offers to be my guide. I thanked her and accepted her help. So, the first thing she wanted me to do was to dance the brahminy kite. I knew what that meant, and asked everyone for permission to stop drumming. The permission was given, and I placed my drum down and went into a crouched position, holding my palms out as the kite shared her…energy and memories and experiences with me. I thanked her and integrated those into myself, and then streamlined my arms with my sides to mimic folded wings. I took a few experimental steps forward, feeling the awkwardness of large birds at walking on land. Then she told me to fly, to flap my wings/arms a few times for takeoff, and I did, feeling the air beneath my cupped wings as resistance.

As I gained altitude, kite told/taught me to search for and feel for a thermal, and once I got it, it was as if I got onto a surfboard and didn’t have to do much, just adjust the positions of my wings/arms/fingers a little to soar and glide, feeling the exceptional control I had over how my body reacted to the winds. I felt my clawed feet tucked snugly beneath my body, the resistance of the wind beneath the span of my wings, and how I could feel tiny whistles of wind rushing through my wing tips and fingers.

When kite finally told me to stop dancing, I folded my wings to swoop down and then opened them at the last moments to flap a few times for resistance, and then landed. I could only grin at her. It was empowering.

She scolded me like a concerned mother, that dancing the kite and flying weren’t the only things I had to learn. I sobered up, and she told me that at this point in my life, I was like a hatchling (she gave me imageries of her whole life from birth till this moment) who got out and was finding a lot of trouble with my wings. The challenges I meet keep making me fall. But she said that the moment I found out how to use my wings, then I could learn how to fly. And she’d be around to teach me that. She’d also be around to teach me how to adapt, since the brahminy kite is famous locally for being a bird of prey which had adapted to human environments so much I can see them thriving in the city.

She and Kiesh’ra seemed to recognize each other but they didn’t acknowledge each other. She told me to internalize what she’d shared with me, nodded at my thanks, and somehow sensing I needed comfort, told me I could hug her. So I did, gently, smoothing her feathers down. I projected an image of the large feather I’d picked up a few years ago, but she didn’t know who it belonged to. So after some time, I thanked her again and let her fly off.

I thanked my guides and all six directions for their help and presence, and clapped my hands to break up the energies I’d formed. All of them helped me with dissipating the energies as well.

Perhaps it’d take a bit of light meditation and finding my Stillpoint to internalize and integrate what I’d learn…

Symbolism

Today is Ostara, the spring equinox. It’s been a special day on a very simple scale. Perhaps it’s filled with imageries and symbolisms. But we’ll see.

What happened was this:

I was standing at the lift on the ninth level (the level where my house is) waiting for it to arrive. Towards my right showed the school which was built a few years ago. The moment I glanced there, I saw a distinct shape, about ten to twenty meters away, at the exact height of the ninth level of the flats. Since I live about twenty minutes by bus from the coast, I’ve frequently seen storks and egrets and less frequently seen brahminy kites and white bellied sea eagles around. Rarely for the latter two, even.

Yet today, after months and months of not having seen either one of those raptors, the shape turned out to be a brahminy kite (I originally thought it was the eagle, but after Googling and comparing images, I decided the kite was closer). It was originally flying flat-planed so I couldn’t see if it were a stork or a raptor. Only when it veered to one side and I saw its claws tucked under its belly that I knew it was a raptopr.

I was pretty entranced and stood there, seeing it soar high in circles. There were multiple lightning flashes, multiple lightning strikes from the bad storm, but the kite never got hit. It just circled, riding the currents, then glided away.

If I wanted, I could call up on all the imageries and every single one of the factors which relate to me on a very personal basis:
1. The storm – storms are both physical and metaphorical things which I have used in the cleansing of my soul from bad emotions or anything else. I used to walk in storms in both thunder and lightning and face the danger of getting struck, and also facing my possible death. I always felt clean after that; today was storming;

2. Ostara – pretty much a day observed by farmers in the past to know when to sow or harvest things, which became a festival. It’s important to me as a day a kind of marking of the seasons;

3. Bird of prey – part of my identity, part of my ‘kin-ness.

I asked my Egyptian winged-dude guy (long story, you may ask) if he had anything to do with the appearance of the kite. He just gave me this smile which neither confirmed nor denied it (okay, that attitude makes me suspect he had something to do with it, heh).

But anyway. I felt some sort of elation after that; some sort of lighter emotion.

If nothing else, if I take away all the symbolism or knee-jerk reaction to any possible symbolisms to totems etc. that the new agers these days seem to do, the sight did one very important thing: it made me smile.