(Cleansing)

It’s been an extremely long time since I’ve done a ritual or visualization of any sort, even a simple one. However, with the symptoms of my diagnosed depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD) having resurfaced until I’m having so much junk in me, I decided that I needed to do some cleansing from within.

I’d clear forgotten how clean and grounding white sage smells like. It smells like the earth, and reminds of scent of soil, of digging my paws and fingers through the ground and smelling leaves and bark. It grounded me almost immediately, and made me calmer.

I then set down, and turned on the drumming track to a level where I could hear it, and yet still hear the rain in the background, creating a very pleasing harmony which made me able to take the steady breaths I needed.

It’s been almost a year. I think I’m extremely rusty. I sat down with the intention set out to clear any internal junk that was interfering with the smoothness of feeling my point of power and of reality creation, and also to meet all the ‘monsters’ I needed to meet inside to make peace with them.

I had in my mind ‘I am going to confront those monsters,’ as per the stereotypical words we always hear. But then, another clearer, wiser thought came in, ‘Not confronting, but making peace with.’

I knew I had to go in as myself this time. Not as Skyfiery, whose strength and power I sometimes draw from; maybe as Casey, as the simple me. But maybe not even that. Maybe I had to go in without a name, but simple as me.

I am quite notorious for falling asleep during journeys, and what made it worse was that I had a sudden image of the boundaries of protection I’d set in my room a long time ago suddenly flashing up, and I felt a sudden sense of all the powers or junk or unwanted energies in me springing from me and attempting to escape. The room felt stifling. I stupidly thought ‘I should air the room out’ and allowed the boundary to become porous. Some energy did escape (I hope those didn’t cause any harm) until that other, wiser voice insisted I strengthen my boundary again and ground the energies instead.

It was the grounding that cause me to fall asleep. Don’t ask me why. Grounding more often than not makes me fall asleep. When I’m off and about somewhere, I don’t fall asleep. Heh.

I woke up about ten minutes later feeling a little bit better, a little bit clearer inside. I need to trust myself to take care of me, even in my unconscious and subconscious, even in the spirit.

Went to smudge my room again, this time with the sage and cedar leaves. I love this combination because it’s very sweet, and brings a mixture of an earthy yet airy feel to them. Made sure to smudge my bed and especially pillow.