Soul fragment

Even after the ‘clean slate’ – tabula rasa – we said we’d give each other, we both know that there can never be a true tabula rasa, not as clean as before.

For myself, I felt frequently the tsunamis of old pains and old hurts rising up frequently, whether we’re together or not. I feel frequently the coils of insanity and madness reaching out for me, to take over. I wanted to know why.

I made sure to smudge the room and had read up beforehand on the proper aspects of the unolis, the winds, and as I invited them in, I made sure to give them proper credit this time. Once they took their positions, I asked them to help me hold my boundaries as I smudged my drum and myself. Then I sat down, and drummed. My questions today were: why I still held so much pain and what is the cause of it; why I had so much insanity and revengeful thoughts coming up still.

However, there is still a lot of renovation works going on, and the drilling and shrill noises of all those cut very starkly into my attempt at meditation. So I had to turn once again to my MP3 player and to a drumming track, turning the volume high up until even my ears rattled.

It took me a very long time as compared with usual to settle down. I don’t know why. Even through the high volume of the drumming track, the shrillness of those renovation works just cut in really badly. All I could do was to trust that my boundaries would hold, and my guides would look after me, and just…breathe.

I felt the breath coming and going, slowly…until I fell partway asleep…into that realm where I knew I was kind of awake, but also sleeping. Straddling the twilight, I call it…

For the first time in my entire life (and entire four years of spiritual practice), I started hearing a voice inside my head. It was jumbled up and I couldn’t make out discernable words. I was startled and scared, but I trusted in my guides and in the directions, that they would watch over me. So I just breathed and fell deeper ‘asleep’.

Then, I suddenly heard a name, “Blue.” And it was then I realized I saw me…standing before me. She looked somewhat like me; yet she was different. I finally realized who/what she was…one of my soul fragments. I don’t know how I knew that, but the knowledge just came. I just didn’t know which aspect she was.

I talked with her, and found out that she was (part of) my pain. She screamed at me for existing and for putting both of us through the feeling of pain without having someone to take care of the pain. I was shocked for various reasons: 1) I suspected that due to everything I’ve gone through, I might have fragments and all, but I never expected one of them to come to me; 2) she was right – I never took care of her.

I could only stand there and let her rail at me until she quietened down, then I asked if she would be okay with chatting more again soon. Just…to chat. She didn’t reply but I think she’d be back.

I don’t know why, but I’m scared shitless. I don’t know why, but I’m just scared shitless.

Thanking the six directions | Accepting my totem/power animal

After always seeing brahminy kites in close proximity to me whenever I am in need of certain reminders in my life, or when I go through tough patches, I finally got the hint and talked with the kite.

Incorporating Jim PathFinger Ewing’s methods of inviting the six directions in (Father Sky, Mother Earth, the East Wind, the South Wind, the West Wind, and the North Wind), apologizing for my ignorance in what they represented and how to thank them. But I thanked them anyway, and they came and stood at the four corners of the room I was in, which nicely coincided with the four cardinal directions. Father Sky and Mother Earth came and drew me in two directions to ground myself. Father Sky was a little stern but still kind; Mother Earth was really warm, and she took my hand and walked with me. The Four Winds took on human-like forms without faces. East Wind was red; South Wind was yellow; West Wind was black; North Wind was white.

They acknowledged my newness at this, and they acknowledged that I didn’t have a proper teacher. But they were willing to help me and guide me anyway. So with their help, I set my boundaries (after smudging the room) and then invited my two guides with me – Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. (For my own information, I might need to confront the latter one day and see why he’s around; he exhibited some strange behavior today. But Kiesh’ra didn’t show anything, so for now I’m keeping quiet but keeping an eye out).

From the distance, a rapidly-growing form came, and I saw that it was a/the kite who had called out to me, somewhat. She (yes, I finally have a female guide in the midst of all these males) landed, cocked her head at me, before taking a human form (why for, I’m not quite sure) for a few minutes. Maybe she wanted me to be able to relate to her. I said a hello, and then she reverted to her kite form, walked forward a little, and started scolding me in perfectly comprehensible mind-image-English talk, which surprised me greatly, since any and all of my guides have never spoken a word to me.

The kite scolded me for taking this long to ask for her, and then kind of went straight to business. She said she offers to be my guide. I thanked her and accepted her help. So, the first thing she wanted me to do was to dance the brahminy kite. I knew what that meant, and asked everyone for permission to stop drumming. The permission was given, and I placed my drum down and went into a crouched position, holding my palms out as the kite shared her…energy and memories and experiences with me. I thanked her and integrated those into myself, and then streamlined my arms with my sides to mimic folded wings. I took a few experimental steps forward, feeling the awkwardness of large birds at walking on land. Then she told me to fly, to flap my wings/arms a few times for takeoff, and I did, feeling the air beneath my cupped wings as resistance.

As I gained altitude, kite told/taught me to search for and feel for a thermal, and once I got it, it was as if I got onto a surfboard and didn’t have to do much, just adjust the positions of my wings/arms/fingers a little to soar and glide, feeling the exceptional control I had over how my body reacted to the winds. I felt my clawed feet tucked snugly beneath my body, the resistance of the wind beneath the span of my wings, and how I could feel tiny whistles of wind rushing through my wing tips and fingers.

When kite finally told me to stop dancing, I folded my wings to swoop down and then opened them at the last moments to flap a few times for resistance, and then landed. I could only grin at her. It was empowering.

She scolded me like a concerned mother, that dancing the kite and flying weren’t the only things I had to learn. I sobered up, and she told me that at this point in my life, I was like a hatchling (she gave me imageries of her whole life from birth till this moment) who got out and was finding a lot of trouble with my wings. The challenges I meet keep making me fall. But she said that the moment I found out how to use my wings, then I could learn how to fly. And she’d be around to teach me that. She’d also be around to teach me how to adapt, since the brahminy kite is famous locally for being a bird of prey which had adapted to human environments so much I can see them thriving in the city.

She and Kiesh’ra seemed to recognize each other but they didn’t acknowledge each other. She told me to internalize what she’d shared with me, nodded at my thanks, and somehow sensing I needed comfort, told me I could hug her. So I did, gently, smoothing her feathers down. I projected an image of the large feather I’d picked up a few years ago, but she didn’t know who it belonged to. So after some time, I thanked her again and let her fly off.

I thanked my guides and all six directions for their help and presence, and clapped my hands to break up the energies I’d formed. All of them helped me with dissipating the energies as well.

Perhaps it’d take a bit of light meditation and finding my Stillpoint to internalize and integrate what I’d learn…

(Boundaries of protection) This is my space

Recently, my mom, sis and brother told me that they’ve been hearing the bell on our front wooden gate ring almost every night at around late 9pm to early 10pm+.

My house is what is termed as a corner unit. So, from our living room, we have to pass by our balcony before reaching our door. Beyond that is technically government property, but my dad had fixed a wooden gate about eight feet from our main gate. On the wooden gate, he’d nailed a bell in the shape of a cockerel so that people who don’t dare open the wooden gate to press our doorbell can ring that bell instead.

I was quite puzzled. Apparently, the cockerel-bell ringing has been going on for a long time. I’m usually home quite late so I’ve never heard it. But all three of them have attested to hearing it clearly every night.

Tonight is the second time I’ve heard it. I was busy so I didn’t head out immediately to check. But five minutes after that, when I did, there was no one there.

I went to talk with my neighbors’ helper. Their door is located about two feet (60cm) away from our wooden gate, so if the cockerel bell rings, they’d definitely be able to hear it, especially with their proximity. If I can hear it from all the way at the back of my house, sometimes even with my door closed, then they must be deaf if they can’t hear (it’s deafeningly-loud when I accidentally ring it), which they’re not.

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Today, I washed my hands with soap and visualized all the filth being washed away. Then, I lit my white sage smudge stick, and starting from my wooden gate, smudged all the open spaces which are considered entrances/exits for whatever purposes. I did that for my whole house, and ended back at my wooden gate. There, I smudged the cockerel-bell, and created with the smudge stick’s smoke what I consider the equivalent of “The Girdle of Melian,” if anyone has read the Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien before. I used the smoke to create a maze of sorts, so that anyone or anything who has no express permission from me to enter will be trapped and confuddled by the girdle.

Then, I placed small pieces of crystals which already have a bindrune written on them in some pots of my corridor. These can and will be activated when/if I need them to be. I also placed some throughout the house. Over my gate, I used the smoke of the smudge stick to draw the bindrune as well.

Did some drumming to reaffirm the boundaries.

Now, let’s see what happens.

Forgiveness and anger?

I meditated today, but didn’t manage to drum because the skin was a bit flat, and there are very annoying renovation works going on all around my house, and the drilling and hammering just took my whole focus away. So I resorted to trance drumming tracks on my MP3 player, turning the volume as high as it could go.

After the usual smudging and grounding, I just breathed, and breathed until I could sufficiently tune the noise out, and then did a small exercise which Seth explained in his book, Seth Speaks.

What I did was to envision tiny pockets of energy coming out from my pores, and this energy represented my “soul,” so to speak, and the broadening of reality into which my consciousness has been restricted to. It was a mildly-strange experience, feeling this expansion of consciousness, and seeing/visualizing the “energy points” which Seth had mentioned.

So, in that state of consciousness, I asked myself a few questions, attempting to quieten the rubble and cacophony of the mind and heart enough to hear the whispers of truth from myself.

Why should  I forgive him? Why should I not be angry at him and demand my compensation and revenge?

Because you still have love for him.

Is love supposed to be like that? So filled with anger and revenge and hurt and pain and wanting to hurt in return?

The love has been encrusted by all these. It is still there, but it is numbed and blocked out. Think about all the tender moments you have had with him. Think about the love that this relationship started on, until it was grimed over.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Get the grime off.