(Relationship | Internal stuff) More cleansing; sowing a new seed

I did yet another cleansing ritual today. As usual, I started off with smudging the space I was in, thanking the smudge stick, my drum, and any other equipment I would be using. Then, I sat down with my drum and drummed a steady beat, grounding myself and creating a safe space.

Again, my two guides were with me, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn. I sent a ping out to ask if any of my friends/’bonds would want to join me, and Zuko came again, albeit a little hesitantly. I think he was quite disturbed by my cleansing ritual yesterday, but because he treated me as a friend, he came with us again today.

I made my intentions very clear. I had three goals today: 1) to face the feelings that my rage protects (and if possible, to face my shadow self; if not, it’s okay); 2) to sow a new seed; 3) to visualize and believe in our relationship healing up.

With that in mind, my guides helped direct me to the first two. This time, we came to a well which was covered. My guides stood on either side of me; Zuko stood somewhere behind. I wondered what significance the well had; I wondered what the well contained.

I placed my hands on the wooden lid covering the well. It was old and cracked and full of splinters. As I touched it, I realized: this lid represented my anger and my rage. It was there to protect more vulnerable feelings I had. But if it were constantly there, then it would intrude even when its presence was no longer needed. So, as I grasped the lid, feeling some splinters bite into my skin, I thanked my anger for its protector’s role, but also informed it that it couldn’t always protect me when I didn’t need nor want protection, or when I needed to let my more vulnerable feelings out.

I placed the lid gently on the grass surrounding the well, then peered in. Inside was a swirl of murky water with many muted, dull, and dirtied colors. I wondered what they were. I had an idea but it wasn’t confirmed. I looked to Kiesh’ra as he passed me a bucket to lower it into the well, and I drew the murky water up. I wet my finger with it, and tasted it. Pain, more rage, betrayal, abandonment and all other negative feelings and experiences infused my senses, overwhelming. I needed to work on one thing at a time. I decided to work on and with pain.

As I thought that, the rest of the murky water somehow flowed out from beneath the bucket back into the well, though there was no hole, leaving the pain-water in the bucket. Holding it, I felt all those memories of being hurt come back, and I saw that there were many broken splinters of metal swirling around with the pain-water. Those splinters were things that hurt me. I placed a finger into the bucket and felt one of them slice my skin open, blood mixing with the water.

I closed my eyes, and held the bucket, letting those memories wash over me, not denying them, accepting them and letting them go. What he did throughout three years hurt me: broken promises, betrayals, abandonment, fights…yet woven throughout those was my own hands and doings. He reflected what I did to him; he reflected what I believed.

So, in place of pain, I needed to sow something else.

I knelt down on the soft earth, placing the bucket down, and placing my palm on the ground. I felt something hard, and took it. It was a seed from me, a seed of forgiveness I’d called up from myself.

I dug a small hole and placed the seed in, near the well of negative emotions. As I covered it up and raised a small mound, I thought consciously that I will start to forgive, both him and myself. I intent that from this moment on, I will tend to this seed even as I dig up the roots of negative emotions in me. There needs to be a balance. And right now, I’m finding one. So after patting the soil down, I watered it with the bucket of pain-water, intent-ing it to transform what pain is into forgiveness.

Then, I headed back to the lid, and picked it up, charging it to be a responsible protector again. And I was telling to myself the monk’s words, telling it to the lid:
Breathing in, I know that anger is here.
Breathing out, I know that the anger is in me.
Breathing in, I know that anger is unpleasant.
Breathing out, I know this feeling will pass.
Breathing in, I am calm.
Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this
anger.

After that, Kiesh’ra and the hellspawn took me apart again, letting me clean myself up layer by layer. It hurt, but slightly less. I scrubbed the grime off my skin, peeled the layer of junk/gunk off my flesh, and wiped my bones and skull clean. It felt strange to be a skeleton scrubbing the flesh, but it felt good, too.

My guides helped to put me back together after the whole thing was done. And now, I have reaffirmed for a second time what I intend to do, and what I want out of myself, so that I can be a healthier person for myself, and for him when he comes back.