Realignment

It has been a very long time since I have meditated. At last glance at my previous post, it has been approximately almost a year since I last meditated. Perhaps life and countless other nuances got in the way; perhaps I let them get in the way. Whatever reasons, it has been too long.

I used to meditate shamnically, with intent as my priority. In shamanism, if one meditates or goes into a trance without a clear intent, it is more than easy to get lost on the journey, and be unable to find one’s way back fully: one might get waylaid by (real?) spirits; one might get his soul fragmented; this-or-that. Hence, my intention had always been specific: to retrieve my soul fragments; to contact my animal/spirit guides; to meet my shadow self; to do this and that.

I have never sat down and meditated as a realignment process before. There is this step in (neo?)shamanism, where one meditates to bring the spiritual shape as closely aligned to one’s physical body as possible, so as to make a person more balanced. I have never done that.

Recently, my new doctor (very cool guy) suggested some sort of breathing exercies which forces me to sit in my own body and feelings when they go awry. Over the past three weeks or so, I’ve tried it with various levels of successes. Perhaps it takes practice. But sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. Like for the past three nights of fights.

To get back into something long forgotten takes some mental coercion. I forced myself to sit down and try out more in-depth my doctor’s exercise, but I improvised it by listening to a drumming track intended for meditation.

This time, there was no specific intent other than that of pure meditation, and/or to be in one’s body and soul and mind. It is like the zen saying, where to be in this state is to be like the river which reflects the moon, but which is still ever-flowing. I slipped in-and-out of that state of mind, allowing distractions to come, and then go, and then allowing myself to ease into an almost trance-like state where I felt nothing, yet felt a lot of things.

Meditation to me is more exhausting than a lot of other things. I’m like some people who get exhausted after meditating; others get more refreshed.

Perhaps I should meditate for about 15 minutes every night to realign myself, to be in my body and mind and soul. Then perhaps one day soon I’ll be ready to take on the shadow aspects of myself again, this time facing anger and hatred and pain.