(Soulbonding) The management of fire and anger | Lighting of candles

Two weeks ago, Fire Lord Zuko and I had a small exercise which went a little bit off tangent – the after effects were a little bit unpleasant, and both of us didn’t expect that to happen, although it seems a logical enough aftermath.

What happened was that Zuko thought it would be a good idea to teach me where the source of all my rage and passion and everything intense came from, and how to bring it up and direct it in a safer way. Of course, all these stem a lot from one of the strongest points of energy in the body, the dan1 tian2 in Mandarin, known also as the base chakra.

He taught me to acknowledge that I have a much, much larger source of rage than a lot of others, and to control that rage, I have to learn how to redirect it in a safe manner. So he made me release all the molten fire from my dan tian, and let it fill my whole body, first down to my thighs and groin and feet, and from there rising upwards, spilling over into my arms and palms, and then rising more into my head till my whole body was glowing. He taught me a lesson on how to balance the fire just at the edge of my body, with the tension balanced just nice enough so that the fire didn’t coalesce back into my base chakra, but also didn’t explode outwards suddenly.

The whole lesson took almost forty-five minutes, and when he finally allowed me to collect the fire back into a more manageable ball, my body had an averse reaction of nausea and dazedness which was most unpleasant. He felt extremely sorry after that, but I developed a fear of the nausea and hadn’t trained with him for the past two weeks until today.

However, he had also taught me a sort of half-dance, half-martial arts which allowed me to release a lot of the fire/rage through my fists or palms outwardly, without attacking anything in particular, much like making an opponent winded before attacking (just that this is simply making the rage winded). It’s a very circular dance, with fire lashing out like whips but keeping them in circular motion, much like those Chinese dances using long flying ribbons. In a way.

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Today, I was pissed off about something and almost ready to go insane with rage all over again with nothing to lash out. Perhaps, having been a very very angry person before, Zuko understood what I was going through, and felt empathy for me enough to keep an almost constant rapport between us so that he might help whenever he can, or whenever I needed it.

So, he actually kind of dragged me into my “mindspace” of sorts, and I saw hundreds upon hundreds of white and fat candles placed at various heights in neat rows. He knew that the dance wouldn’t be enough this time, that I needed to direct my rage and fire at something. So he told me to use only my second and third fingers of each hand in the traditional Chinese swordfighting martial arts style, and light each and every candle in sequence.

There were a few times during the lighting of those candles I lost it, and he made me focus my rage on him by rapidly holding up the candles and making me light them with precision while he held them, all the while trusting I wouldn’t hurt him with my own fire.

Apparently, as he explained to me after that, the candles are somewhat a representation of my rage, or the fuel of my rage. The flame is the attack, the point of the candle which can burn and hurt. It is up to me how big or small I keep the flames, or how I use the whole candle as I wish to. I still haven’t grasped the whole concept in my mind, and this will take further experimenting with.

All in all, I have to thank Zuko for being a willing master. I have been better able to control my rage without lashing out with the same frequency or intensity since he has taught me.

(Soulbonding) Lessons of fire and air

What basic thing Zuko taught me last night was a reminder, that fire was not just fire. It is made of air and fire – the fuel and the effect. He actually told me what firebending really was. It was bending energy around a funnel of air, using air to both fuel and trap the energy between two layers as a sort of direction.

That was pretty logical.

What confused me was the internal energy of bending itself. According to the wiki page on Avatar, the Fire Nation’s martial arts style was based on Northern Shaolin kung fu.

I have absolutely no experience with that form of martial arts. What I have learn intensively are simply taekwondo, and taichi – one hard form, and one soft form. So I was taught to visualize and combine both of them in a sense of energy direction. I probably couldn’t replicate it in the real world (for now?) but it did achieve something: it focused my mind a lot more than other techniques I’ve learnt or been taught.

(Soulbonding | Meditation | Manifestations | Training)

Soulbonding

With my family having somehow taken leave of me about three years ago, with the barest contact, and with sporadic involvement, I have only spoken with Dick and Bruce a few times over the past year. Somehow, the connection and rapport isn’t there anymore. Perhaps, like Dick did, I had to leave the nest and find my own way. My own suit which they created for me is still unworn; the emblem has been collecting dust over the years in the display case which holds the suit (I’m sure Alfred dusts it, but still).

I’ve donned a new armor half my own creation, and half gifted to me by K and by the Hellspawn (no other name which to call him by)who jointly created it, from helm down to sword.

Strangely enough, with everything which have been going on lately, I find myself asking for help from one of the most unlikely sources and people: Zuko of the Fire Nation, from the Avatar series. And it is not Prince Zuko who came to me, the lost and young Zuko of the series. It was Fire Lord Zuko, well-matured into his years (around 20 plus years, my age now), with more wisdom and wit from having governed his nation for years, who came to me offering his wisdom.

Ironically, I am of fire and air. And he offered me a very basic instruction when he came: fire and air have to go together. I’m a martial artist and he drew upon my martial arts background; I think he recognized in me the same fire soul which he has.

He is an unlikely candidate. Yet, I am more than intrigued by him. And perhaps he will make a good friend in times to come.

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Manifestations

Having kind of linked certain theories between the Seth materials and my own beliefs in the Many Worlds Theory, I’ve kind of started my own shaping of the reality I want, exploring various worlds where I exist and where I’ve achieved the thing/s I want, and incorporated those into the shape of my own mould now. We’ll see how things go in times to come.

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Armor/Training

With Zuko’s help and guidance, I actually manifested and donned my armor in one of the quickest times I’ve tried. His basic teaching of how fire and air blended together in a form of movement and martial art which is neither hard like earth, nor soft like water, but a blend of both, really helped.

Conscious intent to deal with rage

After what has happened with my relationship, I realized that I grieve far too much for the importance and loss of one person more than the trip three years ago. After losing him and gaining him back, I meditated today to consciously attempt to:

1. Acknowledge and deal with my rage

2. Ask for a time-out during fights or when I’m angry so that I can handle the rage

3. Seep my rage into spiritual/emotional holdable mediums so that I can deal with it (inspired by moonvoice).

Second thing – I’ve emailed my psychologist to tell him that I realized it’s my rage that is affecting a lot of things, so once the swine flu thing has blown over (and we don’t have to wear robes and masks while talking, thank you very much), I’ll like to start working on anger management with him along with my depression and borderline disorder.

Third thing – I’ve emailed a hypnotherapist and am awaiting his reply on how I can use this therapy in conjunction with my sessions with my own psychologist to deal with my issues.

Symbolism

Today is Ostara, the spring equinox. It’s been a special day on a very simple scale. Perhaps it’s filled with imageries and symbolisms. But we’ll see.

What happened was this:

I was standing at the lift on the ninth level (the level where my house is) waiting for it to arrive. Towards my right showed the school which was built a few years ago. The moment I glanced there, I saw a distinct shape, about ten to twenty meters away, at the exact height of the ninth level of the flats. Since I live about twenty minutes by bus from the coast, I’ve frequently seen storks and egrets and less frequently seen brahminy kites and white bellied sea eagles around. Rarely for the latter two, even.

Yet today, after months and months of not having seen either one of those raptors, the shape turned out to be a brahminy kite (I originally thought it was the eagle, but after Googling and comparing images, I decided the kite was closer). It was originally flying flat-planed so I couldn’t see if it were a stork or a raptor. Only when it veered to one side and I saw its claws tucked under its belly that I knew it was a raptopr.

I was pretty entranced and stood there, seeing it soar high in circles. There were multiple lightning flashes, multiple lightning strikes from the bad storm, but the kite never got hit. It just circled, riding the currents, then glided away.

If I wanted, I could call up on all the imageries and every single one of the factors which relate to me on a very personal basis:
1. The storm – storms are both physical and metaphorical things which I have used in the cleansing of my soul from bad emotions or anything else. I used to walk in storms in both thunder and lightning and face the danger of getting struck, and also facing my possible death. I always felt clean after that; today was storming;

2. Ostara – pretty much a day observed by farmers in the past to know when to sow or harvest things, which became a festival. It’s important to me as a day a kind of marking of the seasons;

3. Bird of prey – part of my identity, part of my ‘kin-ness.

I asked my Egyptian winged-dude guy (long story, you may ask) if he had anything to do with the appearance of the kite. He just gave me this smile which neither confirmed nor denied it (okay, that attitude makes me suspect he had something to do with it, heh).

But anyway. I felt some sort of elation after that; some sort of lighter emotion.

If nothing else, if I take away all the symbolism or knee-jerk reaction to any possible symbolisms to totems etc. that the new agers these days seem to do, the sight did one very important thing: it made me smile.

Watching over

Out of desperation, I finally asked Kiesh’ra if he’d watch over me while I slept, just to help me with the nightmares that have plagued me almost every night since eight years or so ago.

For once, I slept deeply and without recallable dreams.

And now, he’s asleep and resting.

Gonna thank him later.

His name is

Today’s meditation was nothing much – more to realign myself, do something along the lines of the ‘law of attraction,’ and also to speak with my guide.

I finally got his name, or the equivalent of the pronunciation of his name that my brain can accept. Since there are few readers of this blog, I feel okay putting it down; it’s also what I call him for convenience, not his true name – Kiesh’ra. Don’t ask me why it’s spelt that way, or why there’s an apostrophe there. It was what was given to me, as close to English alphabets as he could make it.

Also, I realized something – his helmet might not be a bird of prey after all; it might actually be a dragon instead.

Realignment

It has been a very long time since I have meditated. At last glance at my previous post, it has been approximately almost a year since I last meditated. Perhaps life and countless other nuances got in the way; perhaps I let them get in the way. Whatever reasons, it has been too long.

I used to meditate shamnically, with intent as my priority. In shamanism, if one meditates or goes into a trance without a clear intent, it is more than easy to get lost on the journey, and be unable to find one’s way back fully: one might get waylaid by (real?) spirits; one might get his soul fragmented; this-or-that. Hence, my intention had always been specific: to retrieve my soul fragments; to contact my animal/spirit guides; to meet my shadow self; to do this and that.

I have never sat down and meditated as a realignment process before. There is this step in (neo?)shamanism, where one meditates to bring the spiritual shape as closely aligned to one’s physical body as possible, so as to make a person more balanced. I have never done that.

Recently, my new doctor (very cool guy) suggested some sort of breathing exercies which forces me to sit in my own body and feelings when they go awry. Over the past three weeks or so, I’ve tried it with various levels of successes. Perhaps it takes practice. But sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. Like for the past three nights of fights.

To get back into something long forgotten takes some mental coercion. I forced myself to sit down and try out more in-depth my doctor’s exercise, but I improvised it by listening to a drumming track intended for meditation.

This time, there was no specific intent other than that of pure meditation, and/or to be in one’s body and soul and mind. It is like the zen saying, where to be in this state is to be like the river which reflects the moon, but which is still ever-flowing. I slipped in-and-out of that state of mind, allowing distractions to come, and then go, and then allowing myself to ease into an almost trance-like state where I felt nothing, yet felt a lot of things.

Meditation to me is more exhausting than a lot of other things. I’m like some people who get exhausted after meditating; others get more refreshed.

Perhaps I should meditate for about 15 minutes every night to realign myself, to be in my body and mind and soul. Then perhaps one day soon I’ll be ready to take on the shadow aspects of myself again, this time facing anger and hatred and pain.

The Dreaming | First steps

I did some light meditation accompanied by drumming music yesterday afternoon. Tried to request an audience with Dream.

Didn’t happen. But I did get my starting point:

On my left side was a sea, full of glittering stars reflected from the sky; on my right was a plain, with knee-height grass, swaying gently in the breeze, their blades of muted silver-green.  I’m standing on a dirt road between the sea and the plain, and I know I’ll be walking forward the next time I go there.

Boundaries of Protection | Elements and Thurisaz

This is Thurisaz, the Futhark rune of protection and defense. It resembles a thorn, presenting both a protection/defense to outside attackers, but also an obstacle to the person who cannot surmount his own willful feelings.

This is a pentacle, symbolizing the unity of the five elements which are representative of any sentient being’s characteristics.

Because I have recently turned to working with runes as well as the elements, and find them the most useful for me for someone who does not pray to any deity or pantheon of deities, I shall be talking about creating boundaries of protection using Thurisaz, and the pentacle.

I feel that before working with any system of energies, or system of techniques, it is important to first dedicate oneself to the energies of that system first before anything else. ‘Dedication’ does not mean a ‘contract’ formed, such as when a wiccan/witch enters a coven; such as when a druid enters into one particular guild or system, and so on. ‘Dedication’ to me means acknowledging the existence of the energies; respecting their ability to create or destroy, to heal or hurt; and to ask their permission to integrate oneself with them, and them into oneself, so that with the knowledge that one has permission of the energies to use them within boundaries (and sometimes with consequences), a person can wield the energies to some extent in affecting effects.

It is an important thing to first ask permission of the elements in dedication, in explaining what you intend to do, how you intend to use them, and so on. Because the elemental energies are not simply the ‘objects’ we find in everyday experiences, but are also corresponding to the body and spirit:
Earth – solidity, grounding, being firm and practical;
Fire – passion, drive, anger, rage, hate;
Wind – breath (life), freedom, fluidity, flighty, indecisions
Water – flow, strength, turbulence, blood
Spirit – potential, chances, possibilities, unity.

For each element, there will be a balance – creative, and destructive. For example, the earth provides fertility for sustenance, but in earthquakes and landslides, provide swift burial grounds to the victims; fire can be used to cook, to sterilize, or to light the darkness, but it can also burn out of control, burn from within; wind provides air to breathe, for the soul to fly on, giving a cooling effect to a hot day, but tornadoes, gales, typhoons and all these show the flighty side of wind, as it creates or destroys according to its whims; water is essential to anything to grow, and it is also the blood that flows through any body, but think about tsunamis, about undercurrents, and remember the hidden power of water.

One should never forget the dual nature of everything, even of the elements, and in dedicating oneself to the elements, you should not forget to truly accept the consequences of a wrong use with a wrong intention.

With that said, to create a boundary of protection, first imagine a glowing Thurisaz forming right beneath where you stand/sit. See it blazing in a bright color of your choice, whichever feels the best to you. (I use red because I feel an affinity with fire) Depending on how large you want your circle of protection to be, visualize the Thurisaz sign expanding or shrinking until your desired size.

With that one, visualize a pentacle forming on top of Thurisaz, one overlaying on top of the other so that both are still somewhat visible.

Start with the first point of the pentacle. It seems the easiest to think of earth first. So for that point, imagine a visual collection of soil, of the ground, of plants digging their roots deeply in, providing anchorage and a solid ground to build your defense upon. Take all the time you need until you have settled with a suitable imagery for yourself.

Then, fire seems the next easiest choice. On the next point of the pentacle, imagine a small fire burning on some logs. Then, according to what suits you the best, you can feed that small fire until it blazes and provides an impenetrable wall of flames, or allow it to remain as it is until you feel that you really need it. Feed it with your passion, with the burning nature of fire itself.

Wind, the air which feeds fire, will come next. On the first point of the pentacle, imagine an almost-physical image of wind blowing. Visualize a gentle breeze, or a destructive typhoon, swirling around, spinning, providing a tremendous obstacle to anyone who wishes to enter uninvited.

Water, flowing and ever-changing, adaptable, yet turbulent and tumultuous, gentle as a still lake, or raging as a waterfall. Visualize a body of water eddying about on the fourth point of the pentacle, with hidden depths and undercurrents, or being quiet as a soft bubbling brook. Set water as an adaptable element that could change at any time.

For the last point of the pentacle, spirit, intent the inherent potential of anything to happen, the chances and possibilities for you to grab hold and work on. Intent for the possibilities to be in your favor, to work with you, and be prepared to work hard to make those chances happen.

And, if you do not want any entities or anyone to see and be able to gauge the boundaries of protection around yourself, then intent to make the pentacle and Thurisaz ‘invisible,’ with their potential hidden and latent until you call them up in times of need.