(By others) “Bowl of Light” Hawaiian Healing Ceremony, and Manifest Abundance by Helen Forty

(Note: Not a post on shamanism or shamanistic practices, but a needed one still)

After my soul retrieval session with Daniel Darby sometime in March this year, when I heard that his wife Helen would be coming to Singapore, an acquaintance suggested I meet her. And so I did.

I attended her “Bowl of Light” healing ceremony yesterday, and have to say that it was something that was out of my comfort zone (not in a bad way though) because active participation by those who were present was required. It’s probably a very Singaporean thing, but we weren’t very willing to speak up and present ourselves as “weak,” so to speak. I had to wait for quite a number of people to pick their stones and speak what they were letting go of before I worked up the guts to go.

I think I requested All That Is (ATI) to help me release my depression which stem from generations and half my life of abuse, and to let go of perceived fear (which is false evidence). We were supposed to throw the stone into a body of water or bury it in the earth as soon as possible, within three days if not ASAP.

After that, I walked with an acquaintance who had also taken the soul retrieval workshop the other time, and sat with her at the Singapore River while she spoke to that beach-stone from the ceremony, and also the Apache Tear crystal from Daniel’s potlatch session. She returned the stones to nature, and we walked back.

It felt apt that I do it this night as well.

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I was debating last night which workshop of Helen’s I should attend. At first, I signed up for the Healing with Hawaiian Aumakua workshop and paid the deposit for it, but I changed my mind because of various reasons: I was extremely short of cash in physical reality at the moment, and I’ve also been working with Egyptian Vulture and my other soul parts in an attempt at reintegration. So I thought that I should focus and stabilize on these before adding on to my shamanistic practices.

The Manifesting Abundance workshop was fun. Insightful AND fun. It certainly wasn’t what I expected, even though I think this is the first manifesting abundance session I’ve been to in my life. But perhaps my preconception of it came from the two or so years I’ve been trying to manifest money in my life using Seth’s teachings and You Create Your Own Reality (YCYOR).

I learned some new things tonight during the workshop, which was part spiritual, part psychosomatic, which is probably what beliefs are anyway, since what we see physically in our lives are actually the end result (and not the cause of) our beliefs. Or maybe I should say that I already knew these things from my own YCYOR and nightly self-hypnosis meditation, but Helen provided further insight, which was extremely valuable.

I’ve always known that I valued myself little. It’s all the abuse growing up, and this and that. On the surface, I may hide it quite a bit; deep down, as a core belief, it remains there. I’ve known that this is one of the beliefs which has held me back from manifesting my desires powerfully, but it wasn’t until tonight when I was shown just how much this belief was inherent in my life and how much I actually believed it.

Another psychosomatic block I’d been encountering for years, ever since I’ve been trying to manifest money, was that of a comfort-zone-shift or paradigm-shift of sorts. I’ve been trying to manifest a LARGE sum of money, but somehow have always felt uncomfortable with it. Tonight’s workshop revealed an insight that we have been habitualized into (believing) a set comfort zone of a certain sum of money we want or think we deserve. And the more we plunge in suddenly and challenge those boundaries without preamble, the more resistance that habitualized boundary would give back.

Also, if we treat the manifestation as one needed and vital to physical survival, that places additional stress and resistance in our minds, and we work against our desires, sadly so.

In the end, we blessed our money and all by doing a small ritual.

I’m not going to speak too much about the workshop since it is Helen’s work and effort, but I have to say that for myself who instinctively trusts in the whole YCYOR concept but has experienced blockages and resistance because of my own beliefs working against me, this workshop was a great reminder. And it was really FUN. =D

Anyway, barely two minutes after Helen “officially” closed the workshop session, I started getting this sharp pain in my chest area. It was sharp and annoying (not very high in intensity but the pain made it hard to breathe without hurting), disappearing only to sometimes come back as a throbbing ache, before repeating the cycle.

Helen thinks it’s because something was changing/had changed in me during the workshop, and the pain was a physical manifestation of it. It certainly sounds plausible.

(Musings) Reconcilation of shamanism and YCYOR

This post has been a long time in coming, as I’ve been mulling over my shamanistic path and my beliefs and path regarding ‘You create your own reality’ (YCYOR).

I’m no shaman, that I will put it out right now. I never was and still am not. I simply chose to walk a shamanistic path, that is all. I’ve been walking this path for the past six years or so, on and off with various influences.

About three years ago, I was introduced to Seth’s works by a local friend. She encouraged me to read ‘The Nature of Personal Reality: A Seth Book’ which had been channeled by Jane Roberts in the 1970s. Upon reading it, I felt an immediate familiarity with the information given. Upon further exploration over the year after that, I realized that the reason I was so taken with Seth’s knowledge was that I’d approached this knowledge through physics (astrophysics, quantum physics etc.) first, when I’d been far younger and was reading anything from the Many Worlds Theory, to ‘The Universe as a Hologram’, to Schrödinger’s cat. And when I read Seth’s works, it just all made sense, especially with regards to the Uncertainty Principle and all that.

But I remained torn, so to speak, between both sets of beliefs. Well, technically, I shouldn’t be torn, since YCYOR says that whatever is in my life, I had created. So, in a sense, I had ‘created’ shamanism in my life, drawn it in in some way or another, and walked the path. Perhaps it’s because one/some of my beliefs is still hampering my total acquiescence of the fact that everything is indeed YCYOR, and I can’t connect the emergence of shamanism in my life with YCYOR.

However, there is this disparity I feel instinctively – how can shamanism have been ‘created’ in MY life because if so, it becomes simply another ‘frivolous’ belief or practice to me, which it isn’t. But wait. Maybe I’ve just given myself my own answer in one belief which is separating these seemingly different paths – that because I may have created it in my life, that it is ‘frivolous,’ when it isn’t.

I think I lost my train of thought somewhere and this post isn’t turning out the way I’d envisioned it to be. I thought I could clear but meh. If this is as best as I can do to clear my thoughts, so be it.

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Updated to add:

I showed my Seth friend this post I’d written, and she brought up an oddly-resonating comment that my view of shamanism/religion/practices may be related to the victim mentality I have, where I turn to faiths because I feel victimized and without personal power.

It’s strange that she should bring that up, because only a few days ago, an atheist group (irony, yes, I know) I’m in had this quote posted by one member: “Every religious person I know has aquired their faith in some state of vulnerability or another. Wether it be childhood indoctrination, in the wake of tragedy, in a substance abuse program, or whatever. There may be exceptions to this but I’m not aware of any and I think this speeks volumes for religious faith.” – Tom Morris

I don’t fully agree with the quote, but it has apparently resonated enough with me that I remember it and thinks it holds some truth to it.

In YCYOR, there is no victimhood – if we feel victimized, it is because we did that to ourselves; and if we feel like god, so to speak, it is also because we did that to ourselves.

So, in this sense, I may have created the presence of shamanism in my life as a tool to aid myself which I feel the most comfortable with, as opposed to other tools (religions and practices) which I don’t quite like.

It’s really just a rambling thought-post right now as I try to work through everything in my mind. This insight makes both path feel a bit more integrated in me now, but I still need to work on it a bit more I think.

(By others) Shamanic drumming circle by Daniel Darby; 13 March 2012

First off, one thing: HELLO! to Daniel’s student who surfs the net frequently and found (and directed) my blog to Daniel and the rest. And HELLO! to Daniel and everyone else who are probably gonna read this. Lol.

This post is going to be divided into two parts. The first will be my (extremely enjoyable) experience during this drumming circle; the second, unfortunately, will be a rant (which in no way at all concerns Daniel or his students ((at least I believe that the dude I’m gonna be ranting about isn’t his student)).

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This was the first ever drumming circle I’ve allowed myself to go to. Seems that these past two weeks and everything (from healing to workshops) have been because I chose to allow myself to go and experience.

And it was fun. Hyper-exhausting, hungry (sound vibrations passing through my body always make me hungry), almost-deaf (what else should I have expected, right? ), but fun.

I didn’t bring my drum along because it was really too huge for my short height (I always accidentally knock it against stairs or stuff), and because I really had no idea what went on during a drumming circle and didn’t want to embarrass myself with my lack of aptitude for rhythm. As I told a friend, my heartbeat has more rhythm than I do. Heh. Okay, fine. If I hadn’t been so concerned with “pride,” I could’ve drummed. So…meh. I’ll bring my drum the next time I participate in Daniel’s drumming circle come September.

We went through the various beats Daniel uses for his practice, from one- to nine-beats. The odd-numbered beats are masculine in energy; the even-numbered ones hold feminine energy; the nine-beat rhythm signifies a closure, a wrap-up of energies, so to speak.

So, Daniel led us through all those beats for a round or so. Since there were some people who hadn’t brought instruments, those who had extras shared theirs amongst the rest. N. (not sure if the people whom I’ve interacted with are comfy with me using their full names, so I shall just use initials) generously allowed me a shaker he’d created himself, and so we started.

We all stood up, and tried to remove as much internal inhibitions as we could, drumming/rattling/hitting instruments vigorously as we moved about. I had to be reminded to breathe as I rattled the shaker and tried to find a rhythm I could work with. My right arm grew warm and tired after some time, so I kept switching the shaker between my hands.

After some time of getting used to the cacophony of sounds which merged into some sort of background-noise-harmonious-rhythm, we stopped, and did some small discussion about it.

Daniel then asked who in the circle wanted healing, and all but one did. And so, off we went again with making sounds. Each person took turns standing on a placemat and everyone moved clockwise about him, drumming or rattling or whatever else until the sounds became harmonious; then the next person took the first’s place. And on it went.

Daniel likes to place his drum on or near someone’s body and hit on it vigorously, and he did that a few times with me. I thought that was fun. Drum beats are always nice to feel on the body, methinks.

When it came to my turn, perhaps it was because we’d ran out of time/overshot the time, or that I’d raised my hand to be next simultaneously with another girl my age, we both found ourselves standing back-to-back on the placemat while Daniel drummed around us, others shook or hit whatever they had, and all that. The vibrations were intense and became almost-numbing in a sense, as they permeated my whole body and went slam-ram-slam-ram from all directions. Apparently, my face was flushed after that, although I was more deafened than dazed.

(Speaking of which, I’m staying away from anyone holding loud rattles and singing bowls or metal stuff which can be hit with something else from now on. I’ve always had too sensitive ears, and some people really just thrust those metal things right in my face or beside my ears and all I felt inside was get that thing out of my face dammit! I think that’s why I use only the drum – not because I feel it’s more “shamanic” or anything, but because my ears are safe with its resonating beats. I’ve even stopped using my tingshas because of the higher-pitched sounds, which also really hurt my ears.)

So, the healing went on for about…two hours? We took a ten-minute break, and went back to it until everyone who wanted to be healed was done. After that, when all was done, we all started the nine-beat rhythm to bring our energies back and have a closure. We had another small discussion/question-and-answer session thing, and the circle was done.

I’d definitely want to go for the next one, and I’m going to drag my partner along since he’s a drummer and will probably like it quite a bit. I shall be bringing earplugs along to spare my ears the next time.

Thanks, Daniel, N., and Y.!

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Now, the rant. I need to get it out of my system so that it doesn’t fester in me because I tend to hold so much rage and anger at others it eats me up instead. I’m trying not to be in-your-face aggressive towards people who annoy me, so I shall blog about it and see if it works.

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I only appreciate any attempted sort of healing on me IF I’d given prior or express permission for you to. If I haven’t, don’t touch me, don’t drum or rattle or whatever over me, don’t touch me with anything.

See, what happened during the healing-drumming was this: this person, who perhaps saw what Daniel was doing/likes to do, started doing the same to other participants in the circle, when he himself was also a participant.

We join an event, and by the act of joining an event, we give the host some form of permission to do whatever the event is about. Some; not all. But assuming we join an event even without knowing what goes on ENTIRELY during the event, if the host asked for permission for such-and-such (like Daniel did, and like I said, this rant isn’t about him), and participants give it, the permission is only between each individual and the host. Period. Done. It does NOT extend to anyone else unless permission is sought and granted.

So this dude, I saw him using the beater he was holding to hit himself lightly (like he was drumming on himself). I thought that was odd, but hey, whatever rocks his boat; not my place to judge. So, I moved on. (There was also one point of time when I think I felt him hitting my back with the beater as well, but I was too engrossed and probably in a rather altered-state so I didn’t feel the light hits very distinctively. I think my subconscious also just filtered it out to one side at that moment).

At that time, I was holding a singing bowl and hitting it lightly with its wooden stick. That same guy suddenly approached me and intruded directly into my space (yes, there is a difference between sharing private space in close rooms and direct intrusion). He told me that I shouldn’t be hitting the bowl but using the stick to slide around the outside edge instead; I told him I knew that, but that I and everyone else wouldn’t be able to hear anything otherwise. I was already slightly miffed at the unsolicited intrusion, but thought to myself, “Okay, he may mean well, so I’ll keep quiet about that.”

But noooo…he went on to tell me that I can do something like speak what four blessings into the bowl and send it out and jazz like that. I just shrugged, went, “Oh,” and moved away from him because I was becoming seriously pissed.

As I moved and as time went on, I took more notice of where he was and what he was doing because I wanted to avoid him. I saw him going from one person to another from behind, hitting them lightly on the back at different positions and shaking his rattle over their heads. Now…maybe I’m not privy to any former exchanges between him and them, but as he came late and didn’t have a chance to speak with anyone else before the healing-drumming started, I would assume that he didn’t actually ask them for anything to be done on them.

I got really pissed because with that realization that he was doing that to others, I remembered the beats (not of the drum, which I can recognize Daniel using; Daniel doesn’t sneak up on me anyway) on my back, and I just felt intruded upon, perhaps even violated in a sense, because I. did. not. invite. you. to. do. that. dammit.

You don’t bloody pretend that you’re a shaman and attempt to heal anyone without their permission, or without them coming to you. Hell, you don’t even attempt to heal someone without their permission even if you’re a shaman for “real.” You don’t rattle or drum or whatever over someone unless it’s a demonstration, and if so, it means that permission has been given for that demonstration. You and NO BLOODY ONE comes into MY space and tries to “heal” me without me saying yes to you. That was an intrusion I did not look kindly upon at all. That was a blatant disrespect for every single person there whom he had attempted to “heal,” even if the people he did that to either didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps didn’t “dare” to speak up because we’re Singaporeans and hey, we’re trained to suck it up and shut up innit?

I can’t speak for those people; I speak for myself. Maybe I’m over-sensitive. Maybe. But I wanted to really punch that guy and tell him to take his things and get the hell out of my face. I wanted to stick my face in his and allow that rage through until he got shit scared and backed off. But that wouldn’t work – he had already intruded into my space and that intrusion couldn’t be undone. It was worse than a physical intrusion or violation because if it had been physical, I know I would have shoved him and then intruded into his space because I was pissed; but then I knew I would’ve disrupted the whole thing (done that before in public). So I just tried my best to stay away from him whenever I passed by him.

I think I need to go do something to get this feeling away. And it’s really sad, that something so great as a drumming circle by a person who meant well could lead to another ruining it.

Next time, I’m going to wear protruding spikes on my body or something and poke him with them if he tries to do that with me again. Bah.

(By others) Shamanic healing and reading by Daniel Darby

This is the first time since I started on my paganism and shamanistic journey about seven years ago that I’ve taken steps to seek help from others.

I decided to pay for a session with Daniel Darby. That was before his talk held at the Heart, Mind, Body Festival.

When I attended his talk, I was initially wary, because I’ve known of many people who claim to be shamans just to make themselves more grand-sounding. But Daniel said at the start of his talk that he’s not a shaman, but a shamanic practitioner, and immediately, I felt myself liking his honesty.

I shall skip over the bulk of his talk, but I want to speak about three participants, whom he called on as volunteers or who had volunteered for demonstration. He held his drum (two-sided), and either drummed before their faces directly, or held the drum a short distance away from their bodies and moved top-down-top and around their bodies as he drummed. He kept telling the audience to watch the volunteers’ eyes and to notice the difference as they went into slight altered states. (I was sitting too far back so I couldn’t really see)

Anyway, after the talk, I waited for my individual session with him, which was held at his booth.

He first proceeded to tell me to place my palms on my thighs, facing upwards. He placed his drum on my palms and started drumming, all the while watching my eyes as he did so. He kept asking me how I was feeling, whether I felt like my consciousness had shifted, and how strong the drum beats felt to me.

I barely felt any conscious shift, to be honest. I felt hungry, and I felt awkward because of all the people passing by the booth.

He used rattles on me as well, rattling them right before my face, (deliberately) bumping my nose sometimes, all the time watching my eyes. He also used Tibetan tingshas I think, as well as a…rain sticks box? After he was done, he asked me again how I felt, and my answer was that I didn’t feel much of anything.

(At one point of time during this drumming, before he used the other sound instruments on me, I think, he looked at me and asked me why I was sad. I was surprised, because I was quite sure my face was rather deadpanned. I answered that I was depressed, and that I was trying to find healing. I’ve asked for help from a shamanist in Scotland, and have been trying to help myself as well)

He seemed slightly frustrated, and suggested that we step out of the booth and head to the corridor at the back of the event hall so that he could drum more strongly. So, I stood there as he drummed harder than he had at the booth, and at one point he told me to close my eyes and listen to the drum beats for a few seconds. After that, he held the drum directly to my chest/heart and hit a few beats, before proceeding to hold it a short distance away again, drumming from my front bottom (hip/groin area) to my face, moving around to my back and doing the same. He kept asking me where I felt the vibration at each point of movement, and I answered. He also kept watching my eyes.

At the end of this, he stepped back and leaned against the parapet, seeming half-amused?, half-frustrated, and half-dunno what. He said that I wasn’t feeling any major shift of consciousness because I was already 3/4 in an altered state most of the time, so the minor shifts I experienced were hugely different from the major trances I was expecting.

Well, I didn’t quite know what to make of that, to be honest.

Daniel suggested we go back to the booth, and we did. He went on to ask me what I wanted to know about my future. But because part of my belief system of You Create Your Own Reality (YCYOR) introduced by Seth as channeled through Jane Roberts in the 1970s has made me believe that I really did create my own reality, I don’t believe in any predictions or knowledge about the ‘future.’ That is, I don’t believe in fate, destiny, or that people can tell me what’s going to happen in my life the next day or week or year.

But anyway. I said that I wanted to know about my “past” instead, that I was trying to find out about my spiritual lineage. Now, most people’s spiritual lineage follows their culture. But since my dad was adopted, I can’t trace any farther back than him at all. And anyway, my dad and I practice different faiths.

Daniel asked me why I wanted to know, and I said because I wanted to find support in my healing journey, and to find any possible methods which can help me. He told me to choose a number from 0 to 10, and I picked 6.

So he took out a bag and emptied its contents of varied items; I was to pick six of those items. I recall picking a carved wooden figure of a horse’s silhouette, a carved wooden figure of a bird’s silhouette, a horse head figure, a bear or wolf claw (definitely a predator’s claw), a carved wooden feather, and an item which looked like a crystal but also like a tooth of sort.

He gazed at the items I’d picked, and said that my choices were very interesting. He then picked them up and rattled them in his cupped palms before casting them over a series of different colored metal plates which had been arranged in a circle on the table.

And this was the part where I was shocked. He asked me if I was angry with my dad.

See? Nowhere and at no time prior to this did I make any mention of my dad other than to say he was adopted and so I couldn’t trace my ancestral lineage beyond him. And nowhere had I mentioned anger towards him. But his words were true – I wasn’t consciously angry with my dad, but deep down, I still am due to personal reasons.

Daniel took another look at the cast, asked me my age, and said that I was entering into a time of chaos, which will last for about three years until I’m 30. He claims that the chaos will come continuously in four blocks of nine months, in the order of mental, physical, something, something. I think I got the order wrong anyway.

I don’t believe in this prediction because of the YCYOR thing as mentioned above. I know some people believe in destiny and fate and predestined things, but I honestly don’t. No one knows enough about me to be able to tell me what my future holds, I believe; hell, I don’t know about myself right now to know what my future holds. I believe only that I can create my future from my now. And so, without making any comment on this section, I more or less put it out of my mind.

He did ask me, however, what I would do if I found out that my spiritual lineage was dead. My answer was that I can only do what I can on my own, then.

He also asked if I prayed, and I said that I didn’t. I don’t believe in a god, so I had nothing to pray to. But I think his meaning of prayer was akin to sending an intention out to the universe at large, and being still enough to listen to whatever answers come back to me (whether from my own consciousness or anything). His version of prayer includes being grateful for myself, my family, my community and my society at large, and also praying for blessings for them. It sounds to me rather like metta meditation, and I’m not averse to it. So I agreed to pray.

He took one last look at the cast, and mentioned that there are spirits (ancestral spirits, maybe?) trying to contact me, and that I held great strength and power. And if I could “unblock” myself, it’ll make things easier for me.

(Which draws a surprising parallel to what the Scottish shamanist saw when she did a pathwork for me only a few days ago – that birds of every kind, and in surprising numbers, had gathered to offer their help to me when she and I thought I needed a power animal to help bolster my base chakra. Why? We have no idea; *I* have absolutely no clue)

So anyway, this is done. I’ll be attending a potlatch session held by Daniel come Monday, so maybe I can find out more, and find out more about his courses.

Oh, he also gave me two clues about my possible spiritual lineages. One is the Bonpo tradition from Tibet, and another was some South American tradition which has the condor as either the central part of their practice, or the condor as a large part of their practice. Maybe Andean shamanism (or something; I can’t remember)…Hmm…

(Edited to add: Having “great power” doesn’t mean I’m a shaman, or that I’m a person any better than anyone else. In the words of my dad on the strange phenomena teenagers seem to have on their idols, they “eat, pee and poop, the same as everyone else.” Having great power to me is highly personal, in the sense that there’s a huge area of perhaps unexplored energy or perception which I haven’t tapped into, and that this area may be one from which I can draw personal strength to help myself or others, best as I can.)

(Growth/Learning) Some thoughts

I haven’t posted here in a long time, for about a year, in fact.

Part of it is because I have been feeling an intense blockage in almost all areas of my life, from work and material gains, to working with and finding a balance with my emotions with regards to a traumatic experience by someone in my life only about five years ago, and finally to just feeling generally blocked.

Part of my path and perhaps genetic makeup probably means that while I aspire to be a shamanist, I’ll probably never be able to really journey, but must instead rely on partial visualization and a sort of half-muddled journey state to work on my inner boundaries and whatever else I am made up of.  It may be because of the increasing and accumulative blockage, or it may be I’m simply not predisposed to be a shaman.

And the last part is that I realize I’ve been too frivolous with exploring my path (according to my own standards, that is), and that I may have been culturally and spiritually appropriating from others and perpetuating harmful ideas which the world presently have of them.

For example, I used to draw heavily on “Native American” traditions, but any basic research will show that the “Natives” are not just one people who can be simply and conveniently covered by any umbrella term. They are varied and each group has its own identity. They have also been prosecuted and marginalized for years by others who had sought to subjugate them and are now still appropriating from their culture without thought.

Also, I find myself more and more drawn to the Norse tradition. But because of the potential for appropriation, I’ve hung back, not allowing myself to do much until I’ve managed to find a solution and perhaps a balance in this.

See, I’m a Chinese. And a Chinese who is born and bred in Singapore, at that. Being Chinese, I may claim to have ties to any path from the Chinese tradition, and by extension (since China has been attempting to claim the country anyway), any Mongolian tradition. But I find that extremely forced and again, frivolous. Sure, I may also claim myself a taoist or a buddhist. Not knowing my physical family lineage has nothing to do with it. It is more a deeply spiritual feel, for lack of any better word. So, how do I go about exploring paths and perspectives which are geographically so far and distant from this that I was born into? There have never been any chances for those cultures or spiritual ideas to reach Singapore so that I can even make the remotest claim to have been influenced by them and can incorporate them into my own path and paradigm. And, even if I feel the strongest pulls to both the Norse and Mongolian shamanic ways, so what? It is still appropriation in a sense, because they are not inherently integrated into the Singapore’s group of very limited faith for me to draw upon.

What makes it worse is that I’m a person who’s struggling. I’m struggling not just to break free of the confining and sausage-factory lifeviews which are ingrained into us by this country’s capitalistic lifestyle etc., but I’m also struggling to understand more about how I can juggle everything so that I do not appropriate. Hey, I’m not the most intelligent person I know of, partly because I just was not born like that, and I am sometimes still just sucked back into the popular and herd mindset I grew up with. I can rant about it all I want, but the effect is still the same: that I’m probably never going to be as discerning as the few shamans I know of as acquaintances and whom I admire and respect greatly for their real-ness, and I won’t be as able to think critically as they do.

All in all, it’s quite the muck I’ve been in and am still stuck in. I’ve recently asked for help from someone else, but am also reviewing my beliefs and options so that I can see where I want to go from here.

I may possibly delete all my past posts because I am struck by how shallow they are. But to do that will leave me with nothing to fall back on as references, so perhaps I may just move all of them into a subsidiary page attached to the main blog page.

Strange coincidences

For the past week or two, my dreams have been significantly different from the ones I usually have. Most of the time, I’ll have random dreams will images that I feel mean nothing to me; or I’ll have dreams which disturb me; or, if I remember to set an intention before sleep, I get dreams which more or less has to do with my intentions, sometimes.

But lately, my dreams have been those of figurative mazes, of people I’ve known in the past (rarely the present), of moving from one world to another.

For fun, I asked someone who was providing a one-card animal draw online to draw a card for me. She drew whale, and wrote this: Your card is Whale. Whales have very long, mysterious migrations. You may have a journey ahead of you, but what type can’t be said yet. Whales are also symbols of deep wisdom – perhaps you should spend some time thinking deep and introspectively.

That seems almost exactly like the direction my dreams have been taking me. It’s as if I’m having a migration of sorts into different regions. I wake up most of the time feeling a strange emotion in my chest – a sort of longing which isn’t really longing; an alien feeling which might be that of innate knowledge I already know that I’m beginning to know again, maybe.

I’ll continue letting my dreams go where they will, and see where they bring me.

(Cleansing)

It’s been an extremely long time since I’ve done a ritual or visualization of any sort, even a simple one. However, with the symptoms of my diagnosed depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD) having resurfaced until I’m having so much junk in me, I decided that I needed to do some cleansing from within.

I’d clear forgotten how clean and grounding white sage smells like. It smells like the earth, and reminds of scent of soil, of digging my paws and fingers through the ground and smelling leaves and bark. It grounded me almost immediately, and made me calmer.

I then set down, and turned on the drumming track to a level where I could hear it, and yet still hear the rain in the background, creating a very pleasing harmony which made me able to take the steady breaths I needed.

It’s been almost a year. I think I’m extremely rusty. I sat down with the intention set out to clear any internal junk that was interfering with the smoothness of feeling my point of power and of reality creation, and also to meet all the ‘monsters’ I needed to meet inside to make peace with them.

I had in my mind ‘I am going to confront those monsters,’ as per the stereotypical words we always hear. But then, another clearer, wiser thought came in, ‘Not confronting, but making peace with.’

I knew I had to go in as myself this time. Not as Skyfiery, whose strength and power I sometimes draw from; maybe as Casey, as the simple me. But maybe not even that. Maybe I had to go in without a name, but simple as me.

I am quite notorious for falling asleep during journeys, and what made it worse was that I had a sudden image of the boundaries of protection I’d set in my room a long time ago suddenly flashing up, and I felt a sudden sense of all the powers or junk or unwanted energies in me springing from me and attempting to escape. The room felt stifling. I stupidly thought ‘I should air the room out’ and allowed the boundary to become porous. Some energy did escape (I hope those didn’t cause any harm) until that other, wiser voice insisted I strengthen my boundary again and ground the energies instead.

It was the grounding that cause me to fall asleep. Don’t ask me why. Grounding more often than not makes me fall asleep. When I’m off and about somewhere, I don’t fall asleep. Heh.

I woke up about ten minutes later feeling a little bit better, a little bit clearer inside. I need to trust myself to take care of me, even in my unconscious and subconscious, even in the spirit.

Went to smudge my room again, this time with the sage and cedar leaves. I love this combination because it’s very sweet, and brings a mixture of an earthy yet airy feel to them. Made sure to smudge my bed and especially pillow.

Energy and rune readings

I’ve come to realize that rune readings for people isn’t as simple as simply asking the questions and casting the runes. It’s not like the tarot decks, which has no one ‘creator’ or person who gained knowledge of them through sacrifice.

Odin, duplicitous god or deity as he is, hung upside-down from Yggdrasil for nine days before gaining the knowledge of the runes; he sacrificed one of his eye to Mimir to drink from the well to gain glimpses or sights from the future.

Much as I don’t trust Odin for his dual nature (he’d just as soon help you as stab you, even if he’s your patron deity), for the simple sake that I accept the knowledge and use of the runes for which he’d sacrificed himself for, I respect him for it. And I thank him for it. It is simple and basic courtesy. If I use something of anyone’s, I say thank you.

However, just because I say thank you doesn’t mean that I don’t give something in return. I realize that I lose some of my energy in the process of casting each rune for others, because I give away my energy for questions which aren’t mine. While I help others gain insight, it is not beneficial to me, on a pragmatic level.

What’s so ironic about all this is that I don’t believe there’s a deity. In fact, I don’t believe in god, nor whatever pantheon of gods there are. What I believe in is the multidimensionality of a presence which have intruded into our world, and which we perceive as a deity. That is how I perceive Odin: he’s just part of a multidimensional being, just like I am.

However, if legends say he sacrificed himself for knowledge, and I use that knowledge, then again, it is simply common courtesy to pay respect to him. NOT homage, NOT patronage.

Just respect.

So I think that for any readings now, I’ll ask the querent to offer up his/her own energy or thanks (at the very least) in exchange for insights gained.

My god. I feel so drained now. I better take a day or two off to recharge myself. Maybe those rice cakes left over (in which I gave some to the Infernal) would come in handy.

Flying above the ‘ego’

After hypnosis this morning, I held the raptor feather and continued on listening to the trance drumming tracks, letting my brainwaves bring me as close to an alpha (or even theta) state as I could. I invited kite into my circle, but suddenly found that I was near the base of a high mountain. Cut into the side of the mountain was a winding road. I had my wings out. But apparently, I wasn’t supposed to fly straight to the peak immediately. I had to follow the road.

It forced me to learn how to balance myself a lot – needing to control the merest tilt of my wings as the circles became a lot smaller.

When I reached the top, it was just enough for my butt to sit on, so I did. Kite rested on my thigh. Kiesh’ra somehow managed to ‘hover’ behind me.

For the first time, K spoke directly to my mind. With words! I was so startled I whirled around and demanded of him, “Did you just speak to me?”

He said yes, and explained that for the past five years, he couldn’t speak with me clearly because my ‘ego’ and whatever else were cluttering my mind. It was only ‘here,’ that I’d risen above my ego.

And it was true. I sensed the seemingly-fragile network which linked all other possible worlds to me, to my present, to me NOW. Kite and Kiesh’ra, knowing what I have been trying to manifest, made me pull those worlds to myself and to eat them, to integrate them into my present.

I didn’t feel anything as I ate them, but after a few minutes, I felt the worlds suddenly ‘dissolve’ and integrate into me. It was warm and fuzzy.

I love Kiesh’ra. He came to me and protected an idiot kid who opened herself asking for protectors and guides and nearly got herself eaten by some giant spider thing (scary shit) about five, six years ago, and has stuck around ever since with little thanks. I sometimes forget to talk to him as I’m immersed in the clutter of physical life, but he is still around, protecting me and the ones I love from a lot of attacks.

Beer soon. And more smudging on the feather. Both he and kite loved it. =)

Impending storm

This morning, while I was wondering how I can connect more with my instincts and learn how to find a balance in trusting my inner voice more, kite came to me, knocked me on the forehead with her beak, and then told me in no uncertain terms, “You’re slow!”

Then I finally remembered – about five, six years ago, I went to the beach near my place. The moment I went onto the jetty, something in the waters caught my eye. It was a raptor feather. In Singapore, it could have been nothing else, not with the color and the sheer length of it. No one else seemed to have seen it; or they didn’t care. I did. I waded into the water and got myself wet, picked it up, and have taken care of it the best way I could ever since.

However, I have never used it or worked with it. I don’t know why it took me so long to actually remember to work with it. But at least I’ve taken it out and smudged it thoroughly now. We’ll see where kite takes me.

—

While I was walking home from work today at about 8pm+, the winds started picking up. I looked up and the night sky was red with an impending storm. It’s nothing uncommon – it is still the wet monsoon season in Singapore, with almost daily storms and all.

However, this is only the second time in my entire life I’ve felt this sort of sheer unease from an impending storm. I call myself a Child of the Storm. The only times where I find that I feel cleansed raw and clean is if I head out into the midst of a thunderstorm and walk in it, getting drenched and shivering and hearing the thunder boom around me. Dangerous, yes. I’ve accepted it. Anyway.

The last time this happened was a few years ago, where I was in bed and a storm rolled in. Instead of feeling excited, I cowered in bed, trembling like crazy and just…cringing. I remember posting about it on LJ as well, and Jillian told me that in the Aboriginal culture, demons or bad spirits can ride on storms.

Tonight was the exact same feeling. I spend twenty minutes burning white sage to cleanse my area (as well as the feather). I have a feeling that Kiesh’ra and kite were both protecting me. I burned the white sage for them both, too.

The feather in its original state.